battle on, baby girl, battle on

having trouble with the whole being productive thing.. prayers that when 11:30 comes His energy will sweep away any cobwebs and kick the gears into motion..

release & refocus

This semester has been rough for me, but I have had such great people around me. In the midst of a lot of internal frustration, I have been constantly renewed, strengthened, and spurred on to keep moving forward in my faith - to live in my faith, out of my faith, through faith... I have been so spurred on to walk whatever walk I oughta walk as well as the Lord enables me. The phrase that keeps coming to mind is "Walk it well." 

So, here's some writing I wrote when I had just faced a particularly frustrating task and was upset with how I walked it... because I've walked it for years and continue to make the same mistake. As I let myself feel this frustration, all of my frustration with the difficulties of this semester were brought to the surface as well. 

All semester, I have felt frustrations and tension with the way things are. Things that are just out of my control. And this semester, for the first time probably ever (esp. on such a large scale and for such a length of time). I have not let myself pout about and live in a pity party but instead have fought to keep these eyes ever focused on the good. Any and all good that is within, a part of, will be a part of, or will be a product of the difficulties that I am walking through this semester. 

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I'm growing tired of being tired... tired of striving, tired of fighting. 
I'm comically irritated at the lack of physical progress.
I'm frustrated that this is the schedule I have to try n work with.
I am frustrated that I still have hardly any consistency, that I have no flow with ease, that I have such lacking, stunted mental energy.

& this is not a state of frustration or irritation which feeds hopelessness but rather resiliency, stubborn resolve. 
gimme a day to express, experience, filter & halter my irritation that it may become productive in strengthening my resolve and confidence that dang it You will take me through this and dang it i will not grant myself an alternative reality. I will call Your name, You will enable me to just be and feel whatever feeling I'd rather avoid, and You will make me to walk through it well. Help me walk it well. 

Lead me in focusing these eyes on You that I would not look to my energy but Yours to face these challenges, Spirit, come, how desperately I need You!!!

dang it ive been here so many times, each time of course different yet this stage i now know as one on which i either harden this heart & lend my mind to despair or strap on my gear & let my frustration fuel nothing but devout persistence.

i hate the word hate. it's nasty, vague and often unnecessary. yet i keep hearing it in this head. 'i hate this semester' 'i hate this schedule i hate this schedule i hate this schedule' 'i hate that i cant make myself do the things i want to, what i ought to' 'i hate that i cant keep any sense of flow or continuity' 'i hate this'

why can't i just adjust to a freaking schedule like everyone else?! 
why can't i make my brain work when i want it to work!?
why is my body so dang sensitive to every little thing?! 
why can't i have the energy i had last semester?
why cant i make my brain work
why have i lost 5 pounds? 
what made me lose that weight?!
why are my hormones so out of wack?! (i know weight loss, but still)
why must they be so sensitive!?
why must i feel like a crazy person, trapped in the cage that is this thing called my body this system of chemicals and electrical signals 
why can't i hold steady?
why does every little alteration in a schedule throw me off 
why cant this body let me be
why cant i get my brain to work 
why cant i wake up

I've spent time recently making a point to thank God for everything that I come to. But I also know that not allowing myself to face my feelings leads to bottled emotions and a hardened heart; all in all, a much thicker weed to pull. Thanking Him for the situation opens up (my mind to) the possibility of benefits flowing from my difficulties. 

So, thank you Lord for this thorn in my side, for making a way to keep me from pride. 

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Thank You for this schedule. Thank You for the difficulty, the challenge, and even frustration that I feel with toward this schedule. Thank You for the fatigue, which puts me in a position of even greater reliance on Your energy and power. Thank You for the challenge that is the wiring of this brain. It makes me have to especially trust You because I don't trust myself.  It shows me how much I can't be trusted, how much You can, and how much I haven't placed my trust in You. Thank You for my sensitivity, it keeps me in a never ending position of desperation for You. Thank You for the unexpected weight loss because it manifests the concept of how ever-changing and evolving I am and how sometimes I have to just roll with the punches and not let a tsunami of hormones wash me away into total dysfunction. That even in a tsunami, I can internally cling to the steadiness of the hope that is to come and to the security that is my relationship with You. For You stand perfectly sturdy through the storm. 

One of the first things I said yesterday was "I'm tired of striving"  - & what followed that thought almost stopped me in my tracks... but I didn't let it. Today, I will. The following thought said this. "Stop striving, Jesse. Stop. You needn't strive in such ways that lead you to this exhaustion. Cease striving and know that I am God. This passage recently struck me like it never had before. Cease striving. Know that I am God. Cease striving. Trying to do every little thing to make everything go the way you want it to. Know. Show that you know. show that you believe by entrusting all of your efforts and greatest wishes to me. trust that if you don't fret about that upcoming assignment and focus on your one assignment right now.. that when the time comes i will give you the mind and strength and walk you through that difficult assignment so long as you look to me.  

TO BE CONTINUED... 

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Instead of approaching the day as a blank page that you need to fill up, try living it in a responsive mode: being on the lookout for all that i am doing. I have prepared this day for you with the most tender concern and attention to detail. Your future is absolutely assured this frees you to live abundantly today. 

A Call & a "Yay God!"

 Save your best striving for seeking my face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece. 

²⁴ “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and ^[m]wealth.
²⁵ “For this reason I say to you, ^[n]do not be worried about your ^[o]life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the ^[p]air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? ²⁷ And who of you by being worried can add a single ^[q]hour to his ^[r]life? ²⁸ And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, ²⁹ yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! ³¹ Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ ³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But ^[s]seek first ^[t]His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be ^[u]added to you.
³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will ^[v]care for itself. ^[w]Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I hear a call to walk each day as it comes - for my Father know all of the things which I need...  Nature is of value. Not simply as a display of beauty or how creative my Creator is but because in genuinely observing their ways of life, I am shown what it is to trust my Creator to be my Sustainer. The birds they do not fret, they freely bounce about their daily work. Though they may seem to have such a simpler life, they've got it right! They live in continual praise of Him and are doing what He created them to do.

It's incredible...
how quickly I can go from not being able to get enough of His Words to being hesitant and almost avoiding slowing down long enough to honestly hear from Him and process what He has to say.

Being home has always had that effect on me, however, my dedication to His Word is gradually becoming more consistent. And that is a 'yay God!'