a comical confession

you remember that time.. during musical rehearsal.. when i had a nose bleed & came out w/ a kleenex up my nose to continue practicing? & you taught me to pinch that spot on the top of my nose for a while to make it stop. 

yeah, i still do that & think of you when i have a bloody nose, odd as it may be. 

Wisdom, Patience, Guidance, Safety Net

I don't know that I've ever been lead by a man... in a personal relationship... spiritually... I don't know that I've ever had a man guard me emotionally... 

...when I think of the men in my life (close life, aka close family).. I've always had to fend for myself. Take what good I get and try to not get hurt by the not so good/the lack of good.

God makes His ways a safety for me... I've just never seen it in this context before... the context of Him guarding my heart via guarding my emotions via supplying wisdom, self-control, patience... in our patience and boundaries, He will guard us... and whenever we're yielding to His Spirit's leading, we're leaning into Him, leaning into the safety net of His will. I guess that's why I feel fast to sleep in a state of sturdy assurance and confidence. I was at rest within. And the only place my soul can ever find rest is in Him. so experiencing rest is incredibly comforting and reassuring... 

²⁸ “Come to Me, all ^[z]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is ^[aa]easy and My burden is light.”

it is in taking His yoke upon myself... in learning His ways... in sharing each experience as walking with Him, acknowledging Him and seeking to imitate His moves - in this posture is where my soul will find its rest in Him. 

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[2/21/13 1:31:11 AM] JD Paff: I'm realizing that this may be harder than I thought.

I dont like that thought
[2/21/13 1:32:02 AM] JD Paff: it's too depressing.

I like the happy and wonderful thoughts I have about us
[2/21/13 1:32:31 AM] JD Paff: I guess --- I guess I just really want this to work

[2/21/13 1:34:50 AM] Jesse Rachelle Yoder: this may sound odd... but it was a little easier when we didn't talk as often
[2/21/13 1:34:59 AM] JD Paff: I know what you mean
[2/21/13 1:35:02 AM] JD Paff: it was
[2/21/13 1:35:14 AM] JD Paff: and maybe we shoudl aim for that (as much as I dont want to)
[2/21/13 1:35:17 AM] JD Paff: ?
[2/21/13 1:36:20 AM] JD Paff: cause, the more I see you -- and the more I talk to you -- the more I want to be with you. and I cant be right now.
And that's ok. We'll make it work. I really think we can.

But I think we need to be more careful. not just about setting phsycial boundaries, but also emotional boundaries.
[2/21/13 1:36:32 AM] JD Paff: I think we both need to try to keep it from getting too serious too fast
[2/21/13 1:36:39 AM] JD Paff: cause I think that's where we both want to go
[2/21/13 1:36:45 AM] JD Paff: and eventually, it could.
[2/21/13 1:37:13 AM] JD Paff: but right now, I'm afraid it's just gonna cause us grief if we let it run away from us

[2/21/13 1:37:17 AM] JD Paff: ya know?
[2/21/13 1:37:28 AM] JD Paff: so... I'll try to be less sappy
[2/21/13 1:37:40 AM] JD Paff: (though, the compliments will sneak in from time to time)
[2/21/13 1:38:07 AM] JD Paff: and maybe we can set specific times/days we talk? or at least choose not to talk to eachother all day every day?
[2/21/13 1:38:29 AM] JD Paff: cause I mean, I love talking to you, but I ought to share you with the other people in your life. they need to you too.
[2/21/13 1:38:33 AM] JD Paff: and it goes both ways
[2/21/13 1:38:51 AM] JD Paff: and I think if we come at it from that perspective, it'll be easier.
[2/21/13 1:40:32 AM] Jesse Rachelle Yoder: 1. i agree with everything you just said 2. and the last thing you said goes back to as I sort of mentioned earlier... how we sort of have our own lives right now, in very different places... but have a part that overlaps is so wonderful to share
[2/21/13 1:41:04 AM] Jesse Rachelle Yoder: i think what you mentioned could be very good for us

[2/21/13 1:41:26 AM] JD Paff: Are you gonna be ok if I hold off on the "making it official" part for those reasons?
[2/21/13 1:41:47 AM] JD Paff: cause I mean, a lot of me wants to do it. now. or last saturday
[2/21/13 1:43:31 AM] JD Paff: but part of me thinks it would be better if we stay close friends (who like to flirt a lot) for now, so that we dont destroy ourselves emotionally.

Especially if you're gonna be gone all summer, or study abroad.

Not to say that we have to wait til after that. Just that the slower we take things now, the easier it will be to maintain a healthy relationship down the road

[2/21/13 1:44:33 AM] JD Paff: I've been praying a lot about "us".

Mostly for wisdom.

and with all the other ways I've seen God work so far, I'm trying to be extra careful to those subtle feelings about how to move forward
[2/21/13 1:46:07 AM] JD Paff: I think I meant to type "pay extra careful attention to those..."

[2/21/13 1:48:21 AM] JD Paff: I mean, after 4 years, it would seem silly to screw it up because we cant be patient
[2/21/13 1:49:43 AM] JD Paff: So, as much as I love this, I have an outline to finish, and you could probably use some sleep.

And I'm not gonna say goodbye (because you hate that), so I'll just say that I'll talk to you soon (but not too soon)

Goodnight Jesse Yoder :)

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Wisdom indeed our Lord has granted him. 

Devo Coming to Life

She Reads Truth

Today's words..

Have you ever had a time in your life when you crave spending time with Him?  Where not only do you desire that closeness, that intimacy with Him, but you find yourself talking about Him.  A lot.  But talking in a way that is just every day conversation, and it just flows naturally.  Because your heart has become so in tune with His, it’s overflowing and pouring out.

Regardless of opposition or suffering, it is Christ who saves.  It is Christ who unites us.  

• Close your eyes and imagine Paul.  He is in prison.  He is in chains.  He is suffering, yet He never stops sharing the gospel message.  Apply this to your life: what have you allowed to stand in the way of sharing the gospel? 

• Find a blank page and start writing a prayer.  Mark this day as the start of a life that is overflowing with Christ’s love and joy.

Now, this is big considering halfway through the day I wrote this post. And when it says "mark this day as the start of a life that is overflowing with Christ's love and joy" I think of how this is a time, a pivotal point in my life in which my call is becoming much more real - the call to put away childish things and become a woman of God.  

Not only this, but this is a time when I am increasingly craving Him and speaking about Him on a much more regular basis. It is becoming a continual conversation, an unending flow of ideas, thoughts, acknowledgments, silent prayers, even wordless prayers... I have these words of His swarming around in my mind and I'm so deeply comforted by them being here with me. For His Words are living and active therefore they will live and act - move around, breathe Life into me. He, my refuge is that much nearer today. 

 Yesterday's words that I read today...

Philippians 1:1-11
In this letter, Paul is quite literally in chains for the Gospel. And yet, there is an overarching and very apparent theme of joy, gratitude and prayer for others in this passage.

Why do you think that is? What does Paul know that we, in far less noble chains than he, do not? He is thinking big-picture, long-term, Kingdom work. And on his heart is the business of encouragement.

He writes to the Philippians in verse 6, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (emphasis added).

Paul makes no promise that they will see the fruits of their labor now – that the Gospel-sowing work they are doing in the lives of their unbelieving loved ones will be theirs to also reap. He doesn’t tell them to expect things to get easier or better or simpler. He just encourages them where they are, with a sure confidence to remember the bigger picture – to persevere. That all the good that has begun in that community is pointing to something greater – the “day of Jesus Christ”!

How are you encouraging those around you today?

Are you putting aside your own chains to lift up and love others?

Let’s begin our study of Philippians by being a Paul. All of us together, let’s set ourselves and our trials aside and write – maybe even hand write – good, solid, big-picture encouragement to at least one other person. And permission for plagiarism here: use scripture from this passage if you like!

Let’s all live today with the day of Jesus Christ – His glorious return – in the forefronts of our minds, “to the glory and praise of God.”

words, phrases, themes I have seen manifested, living and active...

- - joy, gratitude, prayer for others - - 

 

- - all the good that has begun in that community is pointing to something greater - Christ - - 

 

- - encourage them where they are, with a sure confidence to remember the bigger picture - to persevere - - 

 

- - set ourselves and our trials aside & write a good, solid, big-picture encouragement to at least one other person... - -

... today, He gave me the pleasure of encouraging (or at least cheering up) Kay, Megan, & Mama

I will have the opportunity again, tonight, to either continue in my interests or to set myself, my stuff, aside and 1. write a big-picture encouragement to McKenna 2. give McKenna my time and attention. 

thoughts of us

thoughts of you, of me, of Him... thoughts of us

there's this sense, this thing... that thinking of you and us makes me want to be so unceasingly attune to His Spirit and walk increasingly closer with Him... 

not just for the reason of us or making our relationship work... but because being with you reminds me, reassures me that living in Him is so much greater than any other way that I could ever live... you remind me that it's not about us being together but it's through Him, by Him and for Him that we were each individually created & called.. and it will be by Him and for Him that we share these lives which He has so faithfully brought into being & protected as His own. 

and this want... is not an easy, fluffy, "I really want to drink coffee today" kind of want... 
it is a great thirst, an urgency, a sense of utter desperation to be where He is, hearing what He says & believing it, then acting accordingly... there is a growing desperation in me to work out my salvation with fear and trembling... 

and for this i am so ever grateful... not only that, but also alarmed (for whenever I want to do good I know evil is not far off) - ready, on alert to preserve harmony with the Spirit and walk cautiously...

So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. (Phil 2:12-13)

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving; (Col 4:2)

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1Peter5:8)

This past month, I have become increasingly aware of how high a calling I have been called to (aka one much higher than I have been mindful of). And... when considering His words that I am reminded of by this, what do I see... I see: humility, gentleness, patience, love one another, be diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:1-3)

I could go on for hours!

 

The above is an attempt to pull together thoughts that have sprouted throughout the past couple days... I was prompted to finally make words of the scattered thoughts by the following message.

Me: did you have a nice lunch w/ your friend?

JD: yep. talked about you. talked about how I saw God working in my life and in ours
 
Me: all good things. I don't know that I've heard much of what God is working in your life I've been so busy telling you bout mine. I'd like to hear what you have to say bout that.
 
JD: well, a lot of it actually has to do with you.

After you told me about how God used me and our conversations to prepare you for the women's retreat, I started looking for other ways in which God might be using me. 

(and potentially guiding our relationship) 

The first thing that came to mind was how we started talking again out-of-the-blue. I no longer thing that was just a coincidence.

The other thing had to do with Saturday night

There was a moment when I really wanted to kiss you. And for some reason, I had this reservation -- like I shouldn't for some reason. at least not yet. and Then on Sunday, I kinda wished I had / felt like I should've.

But when you talked about how that sort of thing in the past made things hard for your emotionally, I was so glad I hadnt tried to take it there unknowingly before.

And I think that's just another God thing. Protecting us from that.

I just think it's really cool that God Could be guiding our relationship.

I've always wanted him to be at the center of my life, and that includes any relationship I'm in. So it's neat to see that happening in different ways

one of the last thoughts before i fell asleep last night was that I have been gifted with absolutely amazing people in my inner circle....

and today my greatest joy and entertainment has been in the people around me... strangers even! I have such a deep enjoyment in how they interact with each other

Sky So Blue, Moon So Light

walking from dining to the library tonight - the moon shone so bright! I couldn't help but be relieved by the fresh, crisp air and these are some thoughts that flowed through my mind

sky so blue, moon so light 

my God He meets me here tonight

sky so blue, moon so light, 

my Love, He meets me here tonight

sky so blue, moon so Light 

sweet Love meets me here tonight

-----

sky so blue, moon so Light

i'll abide in delight

precious Love meet with me, here tonight

Your affections be my overriding delight 

let not this heart tire

of seeking its inmost desire

no matter desperation

anything unsatisfied in me be a means to knowing You

to savor You, identify You - alive and well

moving, breathing, living within me

-----

though duty calls my mind so oft'

let me not toil in vain

 each moment anew I enter,

You've already been

and there You await me, 

provisions in hand

Dear Child, My Beloved,

drop you pride, your burdens the same

stretch out your hand, 

I have everything prepared for you

grab hold, cling, abide in My promises,

you have arrived and I met you here

no need to toil nor fret,

you knew beforehand, I would be here

And I am. 

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The last section was a sort of rewrite from a little something I wrote this morning.  

(after pondering & writing about Psalm 37, 2 Peter 1, Philippians 1:6, & Matthew 6:25-34)

do not worry - HE will meet you there, HE's already there and has it prepared for why you get there. (in reference to the future)

in each new moment I enter, He is waiting there with hands open presenting me everything I need in that moment and for that moment - He waits to hand me all the strength, thoughts, focus, self-discipline, light, cheer, joy & awareness I'll need to walk through that (specific) moment with Him. 

how powerful how perfect how wonderful how loving how full how satisfying how fulfilling how faithful how personal how intimate how majestic is our YHWH God El Shaddai LORD Breath & Life

-----

Response to 

Philippians 1:6

He is working on me, transforming me, refining me, all correction and redirection is His tender care guiding me as He sees best & where/when He has great things prepared for me.

Walk through the fire. Say yes -> stretch our your hand (Mark 3:5) and HE will work the healing and purifying

Matthew 6:25-34

Your Father feeds the birds, clothes the lilies of the fields -> He grows them and presents them in greater beauty than royalty -> You of little faith!

He knows you need all these things!

seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. 

-----

"all these things" 

right now, this (for me) means the ability, strength (& all that I need) to persevere, and carry out my academic duties

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Fundamentals: A Critical Combination

My Critical Combination... in order of importance

Breakfast! - {a big, full, nutritious one}

Fuel Up - {eat according to my diet, throughout the day (esp. breakfast & lunch)}

Medicate - {make sure to take my medicine at the decidedly best times} 

Sleep - {to bed before 1 AM}

Arise - {get up around the same time each day (or at lease on corresponding days i.e. MWF or TR)}

Hydrate - {drink up! when it's not water or tea it's Propel for me!}

Regulate - {keeping my digestion moving has always been a challenge, an apple a day seems to help, however, new to the regiment is a dose MiraLax each evening} 


a new trick I'll be starting this week - i will take a half of my pill the moment my alarm goes off

priority check

     TRUST ME ENOUGH to spend ample time with Me, pushing back the demands of the day. Refuse to feel guilty about something that is so pleasing to Me, the King of the universe. Because I am omnipotent, I am able to bend time and events in your favor. You will find that you can accomplish more in less time, after you have given yourself to Me in rich communion. Also, as you align yourself with My perspective, you can sort out what is important and what is not.
     Don't fall into the trap of being constantly on the go. Many, many things people do in My Name have no value in My kingdom. To avoid doing meaningless works, stay in continual communication with Me. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

Luke 10:41-42 
³⁸ Now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to His word. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted with ^[q]all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” ⁴¹ But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; ⁴² but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Psalm 32:8 
I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go;
I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

 I have been in a place of anxious feelings when it comes to what I ought to do each day. I haven't been pushing back the demands of the day to spend ample time with Him. Giving myself to Him, aligning myself with His perspective, and staying in continual communication is exactly what I need today. I need His Perfect Presence in order to honor Him in all I do today.


 What I was reminded of...
² Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; ³ seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us ^[d]by His own glory and ^[e]excellence. ^4 [f]For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. ⁵ Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral ^[g]excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, ⁶ and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, ⁷ and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. ⁸ For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. ¹⁰ Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; ¹¹ for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you.

because of this, I can actively claim His precious and magnificent promises and be a partaker of the divine nature

feeling lonely. or is it just the letdown after a more than lovely evening.
i guess this is my reminder, i am not yet in my final home. i am not yet home tonight.

A Photo Update

my boy

Fajah & Mama celebrating Mama's Bday

going to see Abby in this on the 16th! get to see JD!

a package from Mama!

breakfast with Kay is one of my favorite parts of all my days

McKenna & I will be in 421 Fall 2013! Ecstatic about our choice!

Thursday nights = late night study w/ coffee & WCRD

Superbowl hangout

we were more entertained w/ battling & making my hair static than the actual game

been maintaining a relatively decent appearance

returning to my old habit of watching the sun rise first thing in the morning

feeling lovely, established & determined

finally mailing some handwritten letters for my month of a letter a day

woke myself up with walking flights of stairs, 'twas quite pleasant

rockclimbing with these lovely ladies

enjoyed a morning, just me & this precious gem

meet my friend... & my tired looking eyes

ready to work

Many photos, I know. 

I take so many and fail to share so many. 

Hope you enjoyed these brief glimpses of my days.

Does He Rejoice in this Little Victory?

I'd like to thing You would be proud of me right now. But then, I realize... I am doing nothing of extraordinary integrity. No, I am merely accepting responsibility. And a responsibility that I have been avoiding/ignoring all week. I know that my parents would say they're proud of me for this... and I know that You are well pleased in what I am doing... but I question how great of a celebration there would be if I came to You all excited to share this little victory. This seems to insignificant standing in the midst of all Your works and all You have seen. Then again, as a father rejoices in the victories of his beloved daughter, so You rejoice in the little victories that I walk through as You brought them about. You paved the way for this day... You specifically paved the way for me to walk through this day. You, then, clearly show an interest in me, who I am, what I do, what I think, how I live my life. You show an interest in receiving my attention and affections. Glory, glory, hallelujah! This unfulfilled desire a means to knowing Christ... this unfulfilled desire, satisfied and tenderly provided by Christ through You, Espiritu Santo.

Any victory of mine is not mine but rather a manifestation of His great victory that He is revealing through His people.