had to realize that it's not always going to feel good...
and nothing external can make me feel good...
this is just one of those grey areas... & that is ok.

Words of a Great Mama.

Words of a Great Mama.
The words Mama left me with in concluding our conversation today. 

"You can do it. Kick the PMS in the ass and get goin'."

this anxiousness, this anxiety, uncertainty for what is to come
I question my reasoning
is it an issue of trust to be addressed
or a tast to be completed
is it a wrong to be worked out
or a burden to be removed
quiet assurance says it's a responsibility to face w/ a confident mindset that I have all the competence needed in You and thru You. yes, You make me competent to rise with each challenge.
So as I quiet all voices and act on that which I know to be good, may You Spirit within be my source of mental clarity, capacity, and confidence. Amen.

take a moment

 Jesse Rachelle Yoder | 30 Nov 2012

 thoughts that flowed in a moment of reflection soaking up some sun
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

last speech of that course is complete
course endured and conquered
i learned a lot about myself as a speaker and presenter,
and i seek progress, not perfection
therefore, i count it a success

the time was not wasted
it wasn't a necessary evil but
a muscle to be ripped, stretched, and strengthened

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

the warmth of Your light
seeps beyond my chilly nerves
"let the bones which You have broken rejoice"
bones once shattered repair
patient nurturing relieves deep pains
aches wil not abandon me
however, beauty sprouts from dark spaces
Your grace is sufficient for me

healing happens silently
& growth even more discreetly
the ability to see is not always necessary
feeling, sense, discernment, & serenity
the real journey has no physical scene
physical is merely an aid
as allegory, metaphor, clay w/ which we visualize the journey

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

light
powerful beautifying revealing leading energizing guiding providing life-giving seeping present warming sustaining satisfying comforting awakening reflecting fulfilling defining nurturing strengthening grounding regulating communicating transcendent smiling finding guarding living calling undying hiding-but-never-gone un-forsaking unending multiplying defying raw abiding

today's aching

i want a companion
i've been needing big bear hugs here lately
a justin hug
or a jd hug
or a papa hug

i've been feeling this way, & then He provides a way
He meets my needs thru His Body alive & living here near me
they have not overlooked me
they have not let me be

they see me in my shell
and they call to me each day

they will not leave me be
they look after me
they invite me each day
into fellowship, companionship, sisterhood, friendship, family

though thoughts of justin as my only sibling
thoughts of how he'll be the one that has always known me the longest
thoughts that bring burdens of years & years of pain
hardship, heartbreak, yearning, & unfulfilled desires

yes, my heart aches. deep, painful, unresolved aches
my God makes a way,
He provides an escape
not an escape from the pain but an escape from being consumed or defined by my pains

He called His disciples to action
His saints He has trained
they obey and act fast
they call my name, they eat with me, they speak with me, they laugh with me,

they call me out
....


AN EDIFYING CONVERSATION

He's just picked up the game, initiated some great convo between me & His saints & they call me to action... i think i've been afraid to be open & there's one girl who's real invested in me in a lovely sisterly way... she invites me over and over and then HE reaffirms that i need to obey

and all this just happening this week...

so i'ma start going to small group next week

DO IT!

i will.. He made that clear last night.

tell me tell me

i've been going to house church which is like a small group except ladies & gents & a married couple hosts & leads but students lead to and it's all discussion based and it's amazing soo real and never fails to strengthen His Spirit in me

well i had talked w/ Megan (next door neighbor who invited me into all this) about how i think i'm afraid to be a part of something b/c of past experiences & she was so understanding and met me where i was ...

that's awesome

then we spoke about purity, importance of having a mentor, improtance of community and being real & honest & bringing things into the light & His Spirit within said yes jesse you will not ignore my call any longer

I like this Megan character

she's amazing. beautiful beautiful heart and love for Jesus and love for others

and to think, HE knew all this was to come when i was assigned room 380 (:

He makes a way for me

and He will continue to

i always knew He would... but just to see it begin to manifest is...

i don't know the word

Isn't it awesome to see God work?

it is. it has been a while.

and I mean truly AWESOME!

the true awesome where there are no words to be said in the moment but rather a deep, content, affirmation recognized in the spirit

that's the one

it's wonderful to feel His Body moving again

life suddenly become more real

If I'm honest... I need more of that.

I love hearing about it, but the more I do, the more apparent it is to me how long it's been since I've experienced it myself.

1:15pm

exactly. & that's how He called me out. hearing Megan talk about all this that's going on in her life while at the same time she has deep, hard, rough, family stuff going on but hearing her talk about how the words in her devo each day were miraculously lining up with what was going on in life that day called me out to do the same. and i picked my devo back up & He has lined up His words and application with where i have been each day.

that was just monday

"keep the faith. Walk with Him today"

tough time turned to tougher will of mind.

the simplest things, words, gestures can ignite powerful encouragement in others.
thank you for sitting to eat with me, my brother. for your kindness and intentionality has energized me. thank you for spurring me on to work diligently at my trade as you work at yours.

tough time turned to tougher will of mind.

p.s. this community, oh, how they make a way for us to gather and enjoy life together!

I think I ought to start a new blog.
This one is geared toward very personal, poetic & spiritual ponderings.

It could be beneficial to have a separate blog to which I can post professional, work-related writing... the sort writing that I would hope to write for other blogs & what not.

So, I guess I'll work on that over Break!
For now - gotta keep my head in the books!

a gift, a burden, a destiny

words aching for release

they keep me from scholarship

they must be free

for me to be as i foresee

 Sometimes gifts carry burdens, but such burdens are light; for in using such gifts, another is built up. This, dear friends, is the beautiful work of Espíritu Santo. His Holy Spirit, living, breathing, moving within and between us. The burden of the gift is hardly a burden as it leads me to "run my race", to trudge away toward fulfilling the potential He destined in me. 

Jesse Rachelle Yoder | 27 November 2012

words aching for release

they keep me from scholarship

they must be free

for me to be as i seek

it's a whirlwind in this head of mine
many o' gray matter to decide where i stand

the things i do not grasp outweigh that which i do
even that which i consider known is subject to stray

if i know what i ought to do and yet do it not,
i am missing the archer's mark

to continue in a way as such, is to walk a lacking path
as there are paths abundant made out for me

ways are not external bliss,
no manner of trekking with winds harmonious

abundance is the internal state with which i travel
like an eye to the hurricane that surrounds me always



"God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agendas to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path He has chosen for us."

Don't trade your birthright for a bowl of stew.

Thought this was great, from http://lore.com/about/

"We’re born hungry to learn, a gift that pushes us to explore, discover, and study our surrounding universe. It’s what makes us human, and what pushes us forward. It’s why we wake up excited and go to bed restless. It breeds a sense of wonder, a sense that anything’s possible if only we learn how.
Learning is about people.
A class engrossed by a zealous professor. A reader hunting for answers. A pair delving into a fiery debate. Our pursuit of knowledge flows through our connections. And while we learn—while we consume, create, experiment—we’re teaching, too."

Oh, how i look forward to being in that so familiar place.

I am...
how can i answer that question?...

Utmost, Is Your Mind Stayed on God

Is Your Mind Stayed on God?

utmost.org Feb 11, 2012

 

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You —Isaiah 26:3

Is your mind stayed on God or is it starved? Starvation of the mind, caused by neglect, is one of the chief sources of exhaustion and weakness in a servant’s life. If you have never used your mind to place yourself before God, begin to do it now. There is no reason to wait for God to come to you. You must turn your thoughts and your eyes away from the face of idols and look to Him and be saved (see Isaiah 45:22).

Your mind is the greatest gift God has given you and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him. You should seek to be “bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ . . .” (2 Corinthians 10:5). This will be one of the greatest assets of your faith when a time of trial comes, because then your faith and the Spirit of God will work together. When you have thoughts and ideas that are worthy of credit to God, learn to compare and associate them with all that happens in nature-the rising and the setting of the sun, the shining of the moon and the stars, and the changing of the seasons. You will begin to see that your thoughts are from God as well, and your mind will no longer be at the mercy of your impulsive thinking, but will always be used in service to God.
“We have sinned with our fathers . . . [and] . . . did not remember . . .” (Psalm 106:6-7). Then prod your memory and wake up immediately. Don’t say to yourself, “But God is not talking to me right now.” He ought to be. Remember whose you are and whom you serve. Encourage yourself to remember, and your affection for God will increase tenfold. Your mind will no longer be starved, but will be quick and enthusiastic, and your hope will be inexpressibly bright.

on the subject of writing

on the subject of writing,
when i sit down to write, the feeling that comes could be rightfully compared to the pulling of teeth,
yet in retrospect, it's a beauty i am grateful to have to ability & opportunity to bear

grammatically undeveloped & poetically scatter-brained

a draft of thoughts undeveloped...

i find myself desiring, a familiar face to appear
intentions pure, interactions gentle
to embrace me as a pearl,

i find in this a fallacy,
a false object for my hope,
my redemption is in no man

You are my redemption
You are my redemption story
You are Author, You are Prince

You will use man to display Your grace,
for he is just as much a part of this as i
but that man is still yet unknown, to the minds here below

You are my redemption story
a story not yet fully told
within the foundation we proceed
proceed forth to see what You've set
as paths ready for these feet to journey
this is no story already told,
'tis a living breathing tale
with each breath a petal to unfold
a step forward'll never be a fail

this is the story of my redemption
this is the story of my family's redemption
this is Your story
the story in which You claim me as Your own
this is the story in which You make me Your own
this is our story
You began the adventure
You develop the character
You perfect the content of the character

i am in the middle of this story,
we're only a few chapters in,
the times i see are but a chapter of the greatest novel, transcending all time
 i am but a part of Your grand story

my story has just begun
the story of us is

There's nothing like a chorus of crickets to ignite my creative side. I write to collect all of my senses within a moment, to document them for others to enjoy and to discover the powers contained within that simple moment. 

My mind captures the vibrations of a soft-toned six string. It sounds like home.

you, you Beautiful

To Wesleigh, a dear sister in Christ with whom I have had the delight of sharing life with. I realize I call you "Beautiful" often... may this give you a glimpse into the reasons why. Happy Birthday, may you experience a time of celebrating not only your life here but also the life you have in Him and how He is manifesting Himself in you here, now. With all my love, Jesse Rachelle.

hey you, you Beautiful
the days you called me out to pray
you lead me to His face
little victories you shared with me
I've never better seen His way
His Spirit, my dear sister, is strong within you
thoughts of you
thoughts of our times together
strengthen His Spirit within me
Hallelujah, we have a home

hey you, you Beautiful
deceit once tormented you
yet, you did not sway
still you praise His name
His Spirit adorns you in the fairest of ways
grace, kindness, dignity, and strength
your eyes you have kept focused high
your heart you have striven to guard
in your weakness He has shamed the strong
in your pain He has fulfilled you His vessel
you are of His Beauty,
His Beauty, you have become

hey you, you Beautiful
you walk by faith in this great Man
this Great One who is life and breath
His breath is the newness radiating forth from your presence
be not discouraged, be not deceived
though uncertainty may be,
each day you awaken is a day in which you,
you, His Beauty, cannot be dismissed from His presence
your perceptions will change,
He will be the same
yet different He may seem to the eyes of a heart in battle
for in battle, in strife, in growth, in foreign lands
He reveals Himself to a heart ever set on Him
take courage, my dear, He makes your way

a ray of undying purity shining through the night
a messenger of sturdy hope
a living revelation of the slow miracle
the miracle which El Shaddai has promised to His own
this heart aches in grief at the bungling of opportunities
with my own interests I have been consumed
in my own head I contained myself to roam
dear sister, how I desired to diligently invest in you
forgive me, may there be reconciliation if any damage done
in admission I confess to foolish thinking,
to allowing myself to make senseless comparisons
this heart needs remembering, or rather
returning to the feet of the Man who has made me His own
to journey, breath by breath, to the heart of Him 
to the heart of Him whom I cannot see, hear or touch
yet, to Him I see, hear and touch in all living things

Wednesday, 31 October, 2012
Jesse Rachelle Yoder

I realize that I must affix my gaze. I must decide once and then again with the beginning of each day... I must decide to remember. to remember the truth. remember the work You have begun in me. remember who You are. remember who I am. remember Your good servants. remember the spirits of each person I meet. remember my purpose by remembering Yours. remember my story by remembering Yours. remembering who I am by remembering who Your are. I have no idea what it looks like for me to love You on a day to day basis... in the little things, but You bless me with moments of it in the past. so I do have some ideas.
& in all honesty, it may look a little different each and every day.
forgive me, for I have feared abandoning myself to You.
I have feared picking up my cross.
Life is not life without You.
forgive me for my foolishness. and for thinking You'll just wait for me though I know by Your Spirit what I am to do. thank You for planting such a loving community around me.
please, remove my shame as You removed my guilt and placed it on Christ.
this - here - is the mission You have sent me on - beneath the same stars as Aguascalientes. here, this is where You have sent me to be light. Here - is where our ministry is. here. now. here, with You. I am alive. and I am Yours.
Holy Spirit, light Your fire in me.

what does it mean to be home?

 is it a place? a feeling? a state of mind? a combination? is it internally or externally driven? can "home" change? or does it simply seem to do so as it is to be discovered? is "home" different to each & every person, or can there be a truly mutual experience?
...can two people experience the exact same feeling/understanding?

does the potential I imagine for myself truly exist within me or is it a vision I created in respone to seeing the lives of those I aspire to learn from (& be like)
there's this different way, a manner, per say, in which I envision & inspire to live out my day to day life. but this change I see may only begin with a change inside of me. a real change of "me".
Lord will you see to it that this change is made in me?

external and internal atmospheres

how does one create an atmosphere?
what sort of atmosphere do I create for myself? for others?

how does my external atmosphere differ from that of my internal?

what does my atmosphere promote?

what do I do/think when on my own?
how is my internal environment affected by the external?

"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" Rose Kennedy -->

the time i have must be orchestrated in order that any free time i have is maintained as a space in which i am making progress in either my studies or the preservation and preparation of myself, that i may be ready to work whenever such an occasion rises

the position in which a leaf lands after dancing in the wind can determine whether or not it dances with the next move of the wind.

how true that principle is of us as well! how true that is of all life!

http://kevan.org/johari?view=hesseray

I think I've been trying to see what my life would be like without Him... I mean, without acknowledging Him, worshiping Him, or intentionally seeking Him...
truth be told, it hasnt been terrible, i am still friendly, still making friends, still have happy days, still have passions... but at the end of the day when my head hits the pillow, i am empty. ive always know this to be true.... but when thinking about presenting myself to others for the first time and having to know what i believe... there's a sense of insecurity, & even shame because what i want to say i believe is not reflected in how i conduct my days... how i spend my time.
where is my heart? how is my heart? what do i truly truly love? what do i truly truly worship? what do i truly truly fear?
i want to give my whole self from Him, but i fear... what is it that i fear?!
what is it that is keeping me from giving my whole self from Him?

Now. Now is my time. Not time under my ownership, but rather time for me to show who owns me. Time, space rather, in which i may live and breathe whatever it is that awakens my heart each morning. Passion.