battle on, baby girl, battle on

having trouble with the whole being productive thing.. prayers that when 11:30 comes His energy will sweep away any cobwebs and kick the gears into motion..

release & refocus

This semester has been rough for me, but I have had such great people around me. In the midst of a lot of internal frustration, I have been constantly renewed, strengthened, and spurred on to keep moving forward in my faith - to live in my faith, out of my faith, through faith... I have been so spurred on to walk whatever walk I oughta walk as well as the Lord enables me. The phrase that keeps coming to mind is "Walk it well." 

So, here's some writing I wrote when I had just faced a particularly frustrating task and was upset with how I walked it... because I've walked it for years and continue to make the same mistake. As I let myself feel this frustration, all of my frustration with the difficulties of this semester were brought to the surface as well. 

All semester, I have felt frustrations and tension with the way things are. Things that are just out of my control. And this semester, for the first time probably ever (esp. on such a large scale and for such a length of time). I have not let myself pout about and live in a pity party but instead have fought to keep these eyes ever focused on the good. Any and all good that is within, a part of, will be a part of, or will be a product of the difficulties that I am walking through this semester. 

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I'm growing tired of being tired... tired of striving, tired of fighting. 
I'm comically irritated at the lack of physical progress.
I'm frustrated that this is the schedule I have to try n work with.
I am frustrated that I still have hardly any consistency, that I have no flow with ease, that I have such lacking, stunted mental energy.

& this is not a state of frustration or irritation which feeds hopelessness but rather resiliency, stubborn resolve. 
gimme a day to express, experience, filter & halter my irritation that it may become productive in strengthening my resolve and confidence that dang it You will take me through this and dang it i will not grant myself an alternative reality. I will call Your name, You will enable me to just be and feel whatever feeling I'd rather avoid, and You will make me to walk through it well. Help me walk it well. 

Lead me in focusing these eyes on You that I would not look to my energy but Yours to face these challenges, Spirit, come, how desperately I need You!!!

dang it ive been here so many times, each time of course different yet this stage i now know as one on which i either harden this heart & lend my mind to despair or strap on my gear & let my frustration fuel nothing but devout persistence.

i hate the word hate. it's nasty, vague and often unnecessary. yet i keep hearing it in this head. 'i hate this semester' 'i hate this schedule i hate this schedule i hate this schedule' 'i hate that i cant make myself do the things i want to, what i ought to' 'i hate that i cant keep any sense of flow or continuity' 'i hate this'

why can't i just adjust to a freaking schedule like everyone else?! 
why can't i make my brain work when i want it to work!?
why is my body so dang sensitive to every little thing?! 
why can't i have the energy i had last semester?
why cant i make my brain work
why have i lost 5 pounds? 
what made me lose that weight?!
why are my hormones so out of wack?! (i know weight loss, but still)
why must they be so sensitive!?
why must i feel like a crazy person, trapped in the cage that is this thing called my body this system of chemicals and electrical signals 
why can't i hold steady?
why does every little alteration in a schedule throw me off 
why cant this body let me be
why cant i get my brain to work 
why cant i wake up

I've spent time recently making a point to thank God for everything that I come to. But I also know that not allowing myself to face my feelings leads to bottled emotions and a hardened heart; all in all, a much thicker weed to pull. Thanking Him for the situation opens up (my mind to) the possibility of benefits flowing from my difficulties. 

So, thank you Lord for this thorn in my side, for making a way to keep me from pride. 

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Thank You for this schedule. Thank You for the difficulty, the challenge, and even frustration that I feel with toward this schedule. Thank You for the fatigue, which puts me in a position of even greater reliance on Your energy and power. Thank You for the challenge that is the wiring of this brain. It makes me have to especially trust You because I don't trust myself.  It shows me how much I can't be trusted, how much You can, and how much I haven't placed my trust in You. Thank You for my sensitivity, it keeps me in a never ending position of desperation for You. Thank You for the unexpected weight loss because it manifests the concept of how ever-changing and evolving I am and how sometimes I have to just roll with the punches and not let a tsunami of hormones wash me away into total dysfunction. That even in a tsunami, I can internally cling to the steadiness of the hope that is to come and to the security that is my relationship with You. For You stand perfectly sturdy through the storm. 

One of the first things I said yesterday was "I'm tired of striving"  - & what followed that thought almost stopped me in my tracks... but I didn't let it. Today, I will. The following thought said this. "Stop striving, Jesse. Stop. You needn't strive in such ways that lead you to this exhaustion. Cease striving and know that I am God. This passage recently struck me like it never had before. Cease striving. Know that I am God. Cease striving. Trying to do every little thing to make everything go the way you want it to. Know. Show that you know. show that you believe by entrusting all of your efforts and greatest wishes to me. trust that if you don't fret about that upcoming assignment and focus on your one assignment right now.. that when the time comes i will give you the mind and strength and walk you through that difficult assignment so long as you look to me.  

TO BE CONTINUED... 

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Instead of approaching the day as a blank page that you need to fill up, try living it in a responsive mode: being on the lookout for all that i am doing. I have prepared this day for you with the most tender concern and attention to detail. Your future is absolutely assured this frees you to live abundantly today. 

A Call & a "Yay God!"

 Save your best striving for seeking my face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece. 

²⁴ “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and ^[m]wealth.
²⁵ “For this reason I say to you, ^[n]do not be worried about your ^[o]life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the ^[p]air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? ²⁷ And who of you by being worried can add a single ^[q]hour to his ^[r]life? ²⁸ And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, ²⁹ yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! ³¹ Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ ³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But ^[s]seek first ^[t]His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be ^[u]added to you.
³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will ^[v]care for itself. ^[w]Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I hear a call to walk each day as it comes - for my Father know all of the things which I need...  Nature is of value. Not simply as a display of beauty or how creative my Creator is but because in genuinely observing their ways of life, I am shown what it is to trust my Creator to be my Sustainer. The birds they do not fret, they freely bounce about their daily work. Though they may seem to have such a simpler life, they've got it right! They live in continual praise of Him and are doing what He created them to do.

It's incredible...
how quickly I can go from not being able to get enough of His Words to being hesitant and almost avoiding slowing down long enough to honestly hear from Him and process what He has to say.

Being home has always had that effect on me, however, my dedication to His Word is gradually becoming more consistent. And that is a 'yay God!'

a comical confession

you remember that time.. during musical rehearsal.. when i had a nose bleed & came out w/ a kleenex up my nose to continue practicing? & you taught me to pinch that spot on the top of my nose for a while to make it stop. 

yeah, i still do that & think of you when i have a bloody nose, odd as it may be. 

Wisdom, Patience, Guidance, Safety Net

I don't know that I've ever been lead by a man... in a personal relationship... spiritually... I don't know that I've ever had a man guard me emotionally... 

...when I think of the men in my life (close life, aka close family).. I've always had to fend for myself. Take what good I get and try to not get hurt by the not so good/the lack of good.

God makes His ways a safety for me... I've just never seen it in this context before... the context of Him guarding my heart via guarding my emotions via supplying wisdom, self-control, patience... in our patience and boundaries, He will guard us... and whenever we're yielding to His Spirit's leading, we're leaning into Him, leaning into the safety net of His will. I guess that's why I feel fast to sleep in a state of sturdy assurance and confidence. I was at rest within. And the only place my soul can ever find rest is in Him. so experiencing rest is incredibly comforting and reassuring... 

²⁸ “Come to Me, all ^[z]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is ^[aa]easy and My burden is light.”

it is in taking His yoke upon myself... in learning His ways... in sharing each experience as walking with Him, acknowledging Him and seeking to imitate His moves - in this posture is where my soul will find its rest in Him. 

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[2/21/13 1:31:11 AM] JD Paff: I'm realizing that this may be harder than I thought.

I dont like that thought
[2/21/13 1:32:02 AM] JD Paff: it's too depressing.

I like the happy and wonderful thoughts I have about us
[2/21/13 1:32:31 AM] JD Paff: I guess --- I guess I just really want this to work

[2/21/13 1:34:50 AM] Jesse Rachelle Yoder: this may sound odd... but it was a little easier when we didn't talk as often
[2/21/13 1:34:59 AM] JD Paff: I know what you mean
[2/21/13 1:35:02 AM] JD Paff: it was
[2/21/13 1:35:14 AM] JD Paff: and maybe we shoudl aim for that (as much as I dont want to)
[2/21/13 1:35:17 AM] JD Paff: ?
[2/21/13 1:36:20 AM] JD Paff: cause, the more I see you -- and the more I talk to you -- the more I want to be with you. and I cant be right now.
And that's ok. We'll make it work. I really think we can.

But I think we need to be more careful. not just about setting phsycial boundaries, but also emotional boundaries.
[2/21/13 1:36:32 AM] JD Paff: I think we both need to try to keep it from getting too serious too fast
[2/21/13 1:36:39 AM] JD Paff: cause I think that's where we both want to go
[2/21/13 1:36:45 AM] JD Paff: and eventually, it could.
[2/21/13 1:37:13 AM] JD Paff: but right now, I'm afraid it's just gonna cause us grief if we let it run away from us

[2/21/13 1:37:17 AM] JD Paff: ya know?
[2/21/13 1:37:28 AM] JD Paff: so... I'll try to be less sappy
[2/21/13 1:37:40 AM] JD Paff: (though, the compliments will sneak in from time to time)
[2/21/13 1:38:07 AM] JD Paff: and maybe we can set specific times/days we talk? or at least choose not to talk to eachother all day every day?
[2/21/13 1:38:29 AM] JD Paff: cause I mean, I love talking to you, but I ought to share you with the other people in your life. they need to you too.
[2/21/13 1:38:33 AM] JD Paff: and it goes both ways
[2/21/13 1:38:51 AM] JD Paff: and I think if we come at it from that perspective, it'll be easier.
[2/21/13 1:40:32 AM] Jesse Rachelle Yoder: 1. i agree with everything you just said 2. and the last thing you said goes back to as I sort of mentioned earlier... how we sort of have our own lives right now, in very different places... but have a part that overlaps is so wonderful to share
[2/21/13 1:41:04 AM] Jesse Rachelle Yoder: i think what you mentioned could be very good for us

[2/21/13 1:41:26 AM] JD Paff: Are you gonna be ok if I hold off on the "making it official" part for those reasons?
[2/21/13 1:41:47 AM] JD Paff: cause I mean, a lot of me wants to do it. now. or last saturday
[2/21/13 1:43:31 AM] JD Paff: but part of me thinks it would be better if we stay close friends (who like to flirt a lot) for now, so that we dont destroy ourselves emotionally.

Especially if you're gonna be gone all summer, or study abroad.

Not to say that we have to wait til after that. Just that the slower we take things now, the easier it will be to maintain a healthy relationship down the road

[2/21/13 1:44:33 AM] JD Paff: I've been praying a lot about "us".

Mostly for wisdom.

and with all the other ways I've seen God work so far, I'm trying to be extra careful to those subtle feelings about how to move forward
[2/21/13 1:46:07 AM] JD Paff: I think I meant to type "pay extra careful attention to those..."

[2/21/13 1:48:21 AM] JD Paff: I mean, after 4 years, it would seem silly to screw it up because we cant be patient
[2/21/13 1:49:43 AM] JD Paff: So, as much as I love this, I have an outline to finish, and you could probably use some sleep.

And I'm not gonna say goodbye (because you hate that), so I'll just say that I'll talk to you soon (but not too soon)

Goodnight Jesse Yoder :)

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Wisdom indeed our Lord has granted him. 

Devo Coming to Life

She Reads Truth

Today's words..

Have you ever had a time in your life when you crave spending time with Him?  Where not only do you desire that closeness, that intimacy with Him, but you find yourself talking about Him.  A lot.  But talking in a way that is just every day conversation, and it just flows naturally.  Because your heart has become so in tune with His, it’s overflowing and pouring out.

Regardless of opposition or suffering, it is Christ who saves.  It is Christ who unites us.  

• Close your eyes and imagine Paul.  He is in prison.  He is in chains.  He is suffering, yet He never stops sharing the gospel message.  Apply this to your life: what have you allowed to stand in the way of sharing the gospel? 

• Find a blank page and start writing a prayer.  Mark this day as the start of a life that is overflowing with Christ’s love and joy.

Now, this is big considering halfway through the day I wrote this post. And when it says "mark this day as the start of a life that is overflowing with Christ's love and joy" I think of how this is a time, a pivotal point in my life in which my call is becoming much more real - the call to put away childish things and become a woman of God.  

Not only this, but this is a time when I am increasingly craving Him and speaking about Him on a much more regular basis. It is becoming a continual conversation, an unending flow of ideas, thoughts, acknowledgments, silent prayers, even wordless prayers... I have these words of His swarming around in my mind and I'm so deeply comforted by them being here with me. For His Words are living and active therefore they will live and act - move around, breathe Life into me. He, my refuge is that much nearer today. 

 Yesterday's words that I read today...

Philippians 1:1-11
In this letter, Paul is quite literally in chains for the Gospel. And yet, there is an overarching and very apparent theme of joy, gratitude and prayer for others in this passage.

Why do you think that is? What does Paul know that we, in far less noble chains than he, do not? He is thinking big-picture, long-term, Kingdom work. And on his heart is the business of encouragement.

He writes to the Philippians in verse 6, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (emphasis added).

Paul makes no promise that they will see the fruits of their labor now – that the Gospel-sowing work they are doing in the lives of their unbelieving loved ones will be theirs to also reap. He doesn’t tell them to expect things to get easier or better or simpler. He just encourages them where they are, with a sure confidence to remember the bigger picture – to persevere. That all the good that has begun in that community is pointing to something greater – the “day of Jesus Christ”!

How are you encouraging those around you today?

Are you putting aside your own chains to lift up and love others?

Let’s begin our study of Philippians by being a Paul. All of us together, let’s set ourselves and our trials aside and write – maybe even hand write – good, solid, big-picture encouragement to at least one other person. And permission for plagiarism here: use scripture from this passage if you like!

Let’s all live today with the day of Jesus Christ – His glorious return – in the forefronts of our minds, “to the glory and praise of God.”

words, phrases, themes I have seen manifested, living and active...

- - joy, gratitude, prayer for others - - 

 

- - all the good that has begun in that community is pointing to something greater - Christ - - 

 

- - encourage them where they are, with a sure confidence to remember the bigger picture - to persevere - - 

 

- - set ourselves and our trials aside & write a good, solid, big-picture encouragement to at least one other person... - -

... today, He gave me the pleasure of encouraging (or at least cheering up) Kay, Megan, & Mama

I will have the opportunity again, tonight, to either continue in my interests or to set myself, my stuff, aside and 1. write a big-picture encouragement to McKenna 2. give McKenna my time and attention. 

thoughts of us

thoughts of you, of me, of Him... thoughts of us

there's this sense, this thing... that thinking of you and us makes me want to be so unceasingly attune to His Spirit and walk increasingly closer with Him... 

not just for the reason of us or making our relationship work... but because being with you reminds me, reassures me that living in Him is so much greater than any other way that I could ever live... you remind me that it's not about us being together but it's through Him, by Him and for Him that we were each individually created & called.. and it will be by Him and for Him that we share these lives which He has so faithfully brought into being & protected as His own. 

and this want... is not an easy, fluffy, "I really want to drink coffee today" kind of want... 
it is a great thirst, an urgency, a sense of utter desperation to be where He is, hearing what He says & believing it, then acting accordingly... there is a growing desperation in me to work out my salvation with fear and trembling... 

and for this i am so ever grateful... not only that, but also alarmed (for whenever I want to do good I know evil is not far off) - ready, on alert to preserve harmony with the Spirit and walk cautiously...

So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. (Phil 2:12-13)

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving; (Col 4:2)

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1Peter5:8)

This past month, I have become increasingly aware of how high a calling I have been called to (aka one much higher than I have been mindful of). And... when considering His words that I am reminded of by this, what do I see... I see: humility, gentleness, patience, love one another, be diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:1-3)

I could go on for hours!

 

The above is an attempt to pull together thoughts that have sprouted throughout the past couple days... I was prompted to finally make words of the scattered thoughts by the following message.

Me: did you have a nice lunch w/ your friend?

JD: yep. talked about you. talked about how I saw God working in my life and in ours
 
Me: all good things. I don't know that I've heard much of what God is working in your life I've been so busy telling you bout mine. I'd like to hear what you have to say bout that.
 
JD: well, a lot of it actually has to do with you.

After you told me about how God used me and our conversations to prepare you for the women's retreat, I started looking for other ways in which God might be using me. 

(and potentially guiding our relationship) 

The first thing that came to mind was how we started talking again out-of-the-blue. I no longer thing that was just a coincidence.

The other thing had to do with Saturday night

There was a moment when I really wanted to kiss you. And for some reason, I had this reservation -- like I shouldn't for some reason. at least not yet. and Then on Sunday, I kinda wished I had / felt like I should've.

But when you talked about how that sort of thing in the past made things hard for your emotionally, I was so glad I hadnt tried to take it there unknowingly before.

And I think that's just another God thing. Protecting us from that.

I just think it's really cool that God Could be guiding our relationship.

I've always wanted him to be at the center of my life, and that includes any relationship I'm in. So it's neat to see that happening in different ways

one of the last thoughts before i fell asleep last night was that I have been gifted with absolutely amazing people in my inner circle....

and today my greatest joy and entertainment has been in the people around me... strangers even! I have such a deep enjoyment in how they interact with each other

Sky So Blue, Moon So Light

walking from dining to the library tonight - the moon shone so bright! I couldn't help but be relieved by the fresh, crisp air and these are some thoughts that flowed through my mind

sky so blue, moon so light 

my God He meets me here tonight

sky so blue, moon so light, 

my Love, He meets me here tonight

sky so blue, moon so Light 

sweet Love meets me here tonight

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sky so blue, moon so Light

i'll abide in delight

precious Love meet with me, here tonight

Your affections be my overriding delight 

let not this heart tire

of seeking its inmost desire

no matter desperation

anything unsatisfied in me be a means to knowing You

to savor You, identify You - alive and well

moving, breathing, living within me

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though duty calls my mind so oft'

let me not toil in vain

 each moment anew I enter,

You've already been

and there You await me, 

provisions in hand

Dear Child, My Beloved,

drop you pride, your burdens the same

stretch out your hand, 

I have everything prepared for you

grab hold, cling, abide in My promises,

you have arrived and I met you here

no need to toil nor fret,

you knew beforehand, I would be here

And I am. 

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The last section was a sort of rewrite from a little something I wrote this morning.  

(after pondering & writing about Psalm 37, 2 Peter 1, Philippians 1:6, & Matthew 6:25-34)

do not worry - HE will meet you there, HE's already there and has it prepared for why you get there. (in reference to the future)

in each new moment I enter, He is waiting there with hands open presenting me everything I need in that moment and for that moment - He waits to hand me all the strength, thoughts, focus, self-discipline, light, cheer, joy & awareness I'll need to walk through that (specific) moment with Him. 

how powerful how perfect how wonderful how loving how full how satisfying how fulfilling how faithful how personal how intimate how majestic is our YHWH God El Shaddai LORD Breath & Life

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Response to 

Philippians 1:6

He is working on me, transforming me, refining me, all correction and redirection is His tender care guiding me as He sees best & where/when He has great things prepared for me.

Walk through the fire. Say yes -> stretch our your hand (Mark 3:5) and HE will work the healing and purifying

Matthew 6:25-34

Your Father feeds the birds, clothes the lilies of the fields -> He grows them and presents them in greater beauty than royalty -> You of little faith!

He knows you need all these things!

seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. 

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"all these things" 

right now, this (for me) means the ability, strength (& all that I need) to persevere, and carry out my academic duties

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