25 April 2013
oh, how my heart misses California. how the strands of my heart ache for that ocean breeze, that sweet air.


26 April 2013
Packin' my bags & living out of'em for the next three months. Can hardly describe the state my heart is in -- He's opening my eyes to see His ways like I never have before..

Thinking back to where my mind was a year ago,   

Life Group and House Church were so neat, special & dear to me heart.

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zeph 3:17)

It is God who arms me with strength^[a]
    and keeps my way secure. (2 Samuel 22:33)

if i had a garden...

if i had a garden, i would nurture it each morning. 
the plants, they would be the first people i see each day.
i'd pray the Lord's blessings over them and my friends.
they would be my only company, as i meet with my Savior
my garden

"I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear, falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known
I'd stay in the garden with Him
'Tho the night around me is falling
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known"

prayer of an anxious student

prayers now for a clear & collected inside as well as a mind awake, attentive and resiliently responding to distractions..

Holy Spirit You are here. here with me. here physically, intellectually, energetically... here residing in this chair with me. you see the tree in front of me, the brick wall to my right, the tower out ahead and the grey clouds rollin' in. You see the paper sprawled before me, the tabs of research on this screen. You hear each beat of the heart pounding in my chest, and You really feel the static clogging up brainwaves.

You hear my anxious thoughts. You know my anxious heart. seeking first Lord to open tis place inside to You, to do that which would please You - all these things I "must" do You will add unto this day. 

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

sometimes work is a real grind. 

kick the gears into motion man

come Spirit, come energy, resiliency, spunky, come vivacious mind, tenacious endurance, come Spirit come Life come clarity of mind 

clarity, simplicity, purity, vigor, vitality, zeal, 

rest in peaceful confidence

i have this tendency to try and plan every moment of my day so that i accomplish everything that i think ought to be accomplished right when i think it will best be accomplished. this is so false and distrusting of you. thinking i know better. 

when i do this, i do not enjoy the moments in between.. because i can plan for running into a friend, or a friend needing a helping hand or a moment for someone to listen or encourage them. i cant call those things. but You do. and You know everything that I need as well. and all that tasks that i am not doing at this exact moment are in Your care. You will not let them slip thru my fingers. So long as I am diligent in seeking first Your Kingdom, all the rest will follow.

livin' on this promise tonight and tomorrow. ahhhhh. You give me breath. real life giving breath. 
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

grounding thoughts for a busy night

here, in silence. at the bidding of no one known. 

here, i have time, i have space, i have the place to be here with You alone. 

only You know where I am, our little secret. 

though i be in no place of significance, Our aloneness is significant.

i have so much to share with You. words of friends, stories, feelings, & messages stirring in my inner parts. 

i could depart now, move my attention to tasks and responsibilities i am carrying

but those doings would be of no use if not first and foremost established in Your breath. 

Lord, I know Fajah said I'm a "productivity addict," and to that I guess there is some sense.

but tonight let this heart be driven not merely by desire for productivity, perfection, or praise but rather by desire for honoring You, my professors, my peers, and the future you have in store for me. these tasks are not for the future, but the inner workings beneath them You use to mold and move me: to make me more and more like the man of Christ. You use the seen to alter the unseen. 

Let us remember this beautiful image these next couple of weeks. You are our breath. You are our refuge, but You are also our YHWH who trains us in His ways. 


(Ok, yes I admit it. I get a high from a productive streak just like I would from an adrenaline rush.) And there's some history and depth to why that is so. I've lived many years of my life hoping & praying that I had the potential in me that I thought I did. So, when You finally revealed some of what You made this mind capable of - relinquished so many of my fears and revealed some dreams - of course I get super duper excited!

Today

Thoughts from today;

sometimes monday isnt a day to accomplish any of the work, but rather to prepare myself and the resources necessary to accomplish the work for the rest of the days that week.

thoughts from today's Jesus Calling

things do feel out of control, my routines are not running smoothly & my life does not feel predictible, I dont feel so secure...

yet, You have been my help, 
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy
My soul clings to You,
Your right hand upholds me.
I'll grip Your hand tightly & open my eyes to growth opportunities
I will not bemoan the loss of my comfort 
I will accept the challenge of something new, of uncharted territory
I will say 'yes, Lord' do as You please, mold me as Your own
I will trust Your working hands on me &
I will trust Your tender & sufficient presence in all circumstance I will meet

------------------------------------------------------------

I was planning on going to a poetry reading... dragged myself to dinner about an hour later than planned... wasn't going to make it to the reading... thought I ought to accomplish at least one thing today, so I'll go to the library... didn't even make it to the library... was drawn in by the light of the sunset on a brick wall... took a seat on a bench, pulled out my notebook and breathed in the airwaves dapper with the songs of birds... and wrote this... 

I'm hardly awake. 

I really don't like these days, 

these physical states in which my body moves slothly, 

my mind flutters at my thoughts of activity. 

strategies predicted to awaken fail and disappoint.

submit yourself; lay limp. 

allow these ways to carry you, 

to twirl you through this day 

the great scene of productivity you seek is but a dream

yes, it too is of a highlight reel

this is your behind the scenes

forgive yourself, rest easy

hear the counsel of your free-winged friends

hear it. perceive it.

while we flutter about, 

they sing

more alive than some of us will ever be

they have known no classroom

no lecture hall no textbook

hear them sing,

and breathe 

--------------- 

oh Lord, there is so much being asked of me

come Spirit, acknowledged as my confidence.

come wisdom, flowing from Truth and Life You bring.

come peace, a center a mind stayed on You.

come strength, energy, vitality, all these be wholeness Your presence brings

come Jesus, Great High Priest, understanding, You sacrificed Your whole life, that Life be breathed into these dry bones

I am but a tiny piece to the beauty that is His Kingdom -> keep me a vessel, well functioning, that the whole body be strong in harmony.

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting -- a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

wise words found around the web

We are called engage in relationships that are mutually edifying, encouraging and uplifting (1 Thessalonians 5:11). We are asked to reserve sexual intimacy for the covenant relationship through marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3). We are encouraged to see everything we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31).

A biblical friendship is one that eagerly helps one another know, serve, love, and resemble God in deeper and deeper ways. It's a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon. -Tim Keller

Here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, "I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!"
- Tim Keller