i have learned that communicating my needs does not make me needy.
having emotional needs does not make me needy.
wanting my man to learn how to care for my emotional needs is not needy.
feeling let down when my emotional needs are slashed, does not make me a needy, irrational, hormonal girl who can't be trusted.

my emotions add to the complex beauty that is me.

an honest prayer

i guess i've been feeling sad, granted i'm having trouble eating the food i need to eat, and i'm currently dealing with physical discomfort... Jesus, i feel sad.. i know You must know how it feels.. so, hold my hand? help me through? keep me singing in my heart to You?

expressing affection...

I used to write you letters, make you gifts and write you poems

I used to make collages, scrapbook photos and tickets, memoirs of our dates

these were ways I expressed to you how lovely, loved and cherished I felt

Letters to My Fiancé

11/12/13

I miss cuddling you already, but our diligence will be blessed.

I miss welcoming sleep from within your arms, but obedience will sow seeds of a fuller life. 

I missed your presence all day long, but The Lord is my companion, my hiding place, my strong tower. 

I longed to share each moment with you, but His Spirit still enables us to share the most beautiful realizations. 

I yearn to be with you, but my God will make all things work out for the best of His Kingdom and Children - my sight is limited, He sees when we best be united for life, love and joy in abundance. 

ponderings

there's this ring on my finger.
it's lovely and shiny.
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the greyness outside, all about
may be a point for depressed mood
or an opportunity for me to insert my own color and Light to the day

who makes my days meaningful,
who determines what does or doesn't make my days meaningful?
is it what i do? how i feel?

am i to set a time and space and mindset and determine to grab hold of the meaning of each day... i think i do...

i used to live my days like a story line...
there was this story i had in my mind, in my heart, and each step i took wrote the next line of said story...

if living in New York, i'll want to have an imagined, thought up storyline that i can use to navigate my days. hmm, thank you Lord for imagination! for creativity!


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Lisa encouraged me to use these days, this time - as i am still single - to come to You emotionally, to allow You to care for my emotions and learn to allow You to be my emotional stability.

this is a call, I, too, have sensed. with emotions. with spiritual disciplines.



(typed to my fiancé, 11/12/13) "sometimes i wonder what i used to do before we were together, how i used to stay happy (or make myself optimistic) when i was going thru my days all by myself, or when i was in-between things or had a lot of unexpected free time… i can forget what it was like to be self-sustaining and responsible.. 'cause you took much better care of me than i knew was possible, you filled needs that i didn't realize i had… so it's easy to lean on that for the filling rather than appreciating it for the overflow..

'cause before you, i had just found what it was to walk thru my days in a sort of ongoing, fluid motion that kept my emotions stable and ready for prayer… and He challenged me with greater privileges to balance… and I have been learning nonstop about Him and ways i thought of Him wrongly and then experientially been taught of His character and how different He is than I was thinking… and that is absolutely invaluable!!!

i also realize.. though I am not totally dependent on you for stability, that being one of your gifts, i often without realizing, opt to lean toward you for those signals and can lean to you to see my grounding.. thank God your grounding is in Him cause then I'm just pointed to Him! but ultimately, i desire my first wanting gaze to glance upon Him and seek Him for my filling… so i'm just pondering these things…"

by my side...

when i'm fighting a battle, he joins and makes it two on one.
keeps us unified, moving in the same direction, and he doesn't leave me behind to fight on my own as he just walks on.

oh to grieve with the Spirit grieve with him here, here to fight on my behalf,

with you i'm allowed to grapple. about anything.

incomplete thoughts...

i forget how terribly i need to create. create sentences from thoughts. poems from emotions. movement from sensation. create moments. of laughter of questions of seeking of following curiosity of doing the very last thing i would do...

the very last thing i would do right now... go eat a bowl of cereal, call mamaw, chat with mckenna, charge my computer, organize my closet for a few minutes, print my homework, ask evan how he's studying for 220, pull out my Bible and write 1 Thes 4 out to memorize it, lay on the floor visualizing how i will proceed/how the rest of the night will go...

huh, that's a practice i haven't done much of at all lately. positive visualization, imagining and running through real life situations (upcoming) in my head and imagine them going as positive as possible or at least how i may walk through them in a positive manner.

when i allow myself to stay in my head, or even in one subject for too long, i seem to let go of whatever that thing is that typically fuels my interest, ambition, curiosity, energy, mental sunshine...  it's like a part of me dies, or at leasts slips into a coma, it's like if i squint my eyes i can faintly see it trapped behind a sheet of dark slate

Retired Bridge/River Greenway | 10 Oct 2013| Muncie, IN

Experimenting with Aperture | 21 Oct 2013 | Cedarville University, Cedarville, OH

Luke 16:10 Aspire great things? Be faithful to excel in the small things.

16:10 “The one who is faithful in a very little ³⁴  is also faithful in much, and the one who isdishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much. 

³⁴ sn The point of the statement faithful in a very little is that character is shown in how little things are treated.

"faithful" (3982)
1) trusty, faithful 1a) of persons who show themselves faithful in the transaction of business, the execution of commands, or the discharge of official duties 1b) one who kept his plighted faith, worthy of trust 1c) that can be relied on 2) easily persuaded 2a) believing, confiding, trusting 2b) in the NT one who trusts in God's promises 2b1) one who is convinced that Jesus has been raised from the dead 2b2) one who has become convinced that Jesus is the Messiah and author of salvation


"dishonest" (1 as a negative particle and 1349)
1) descriptive of one who violates or has violated justice 1a) unjust 1b) unrighteous, sinful 1c) of one who deals fraudulently with others, deceitful

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from 1 (as a negative particle) and 1349; unjust; by extension wicked; by implication, treacherous; specially, heathen:-unjust, unrighteous. see GREEK for 1 see GREEK for 1349


16:11 If then you haven’t beentrustworthy ³⁵  in handling worldly wealth, ³⁶  who will entrust you with the true riches? ³⁷ 16:12 And if you haven’t been trustworthy ³⁸  with someone else’s property, ³⁹  who will give you your own ⁴⁰ ? 16:13 No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate ⁴¹ the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise ⁴²  the other. You cannot serve God and money.” ⁴³ 

monday: day of processing, and projecting plans

so many matters we spoke about this weekend... 

- pitfalls to watch for
- habits to keep up
- practices to make sure we set in place
- receiving my father's blessing
- trusting you to handle all timing, set up and wonderfulness of proposal (basically facing the fact that i am not all-knowing, and that is a very good thing)
- Huntington barn
- seeing sin as the monster/puke (proverbs 26:11) that it is 
- where we each are (esp. emotionally) w/ the season (roller coaster; from 'YAY!' to 'ah holy crap!')
- ought to finish up 101 Qs
- actively (keep) claiming promises of God
- advice from Mama Paff: when marry, make him a list of what I want on which holidays (i.e. calla lily on valentines day, note on mother's day, post-its around the house w/ cute remarks/memories or flowers and sweet note sent to me at work or left on table for anniversary, etc.)

I need to know, I won't be entirely giving up my pursuit as a student, b/c I love it - I need to know, there is a great alternative for me to look forward to. 

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Note to You

Oh, dearie. In all these conversations (important conversations), let us not forget to continue dating and simply enjoying a good time together. I know my tendency will be to talk only about the thoughts swirling my mind that include you, me, our future, engagement, wedding planning, finding me a school, and all things Endicott. 

As you are so great at pulling me back into the moment, please do, pull me back into this place where I am currently residing. Ball State, sophomore year, involved in House Church, spending development time with various people (Alison, Brittanie, McKenna, Megan, Ciara, Shannon, Lisa and Ryan)... ask me about things of the week, as I'll sure seek to learn about yours. 

I want us both to enjoy this time with all its richness... that surely includes us walking with the people we currently live with, sharing our journey with them and allowing our current circumstances to be a part of our individual journeys.  

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Realizations for Future Benefit

- some flexibility w/i structure

   -> allowing myself to roll out of bed late, b/c I have worked out when in my schedule I can make up for that time, allowing myself to go by the feel of things to some extent such as whether or not I stop for coffee before I go to my place of study or whether I can stay and chat for a bit before I move on

- need Sunday (or Monday) to be for reflection, reseat, and layout of the week ahead of me (what must be done, what I'd like to do, how my schedule needs adjusted to make that happen, schedule lunch dates for the week, etc.)

- time outdoors = necessity, healthy, sets me up for better, calmer, more cheerful and productive day (and mind)

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This Week

- logistical steps to ease internal and relational tension

- keep clearing off that which may weigh me down

1. compile 2 potential programs of study and email them to Papa Paff

2. find Huntington wedding barn, ask him to set up a visit for us

3. share what you're processing and pray for each other, with each other

4. finish up 101 Q's