grounding thoughts for a busy night

here, in silence. at the bidding of no one known. 

here, i have time, i have space, i have the place to be here with You alone. 

only You know where I am, our little secret. 

though i be in no place of significance, Our aloneness is significant.

i have so much to share with You. words of friends, stories, feelings, & messages stirring in my inner parts. 

i could depart now, move my attention to tasks and responsibilities i am carrying

but those doings would be of no use if not first and foremost established in Your breath. 

Lord, I know Fajah said I'm a "productivity addict," and to that I guess there is some sense.

but tonight let this heart be driven not merely by desire for productivity, perfection, or praise but rather by desire for honoring You, my professors, my peers, and the future you have in store for me. these tasks are not for the future, but the inner workings beneath them You use to mold and move me: to make me more and more like the man of Christ. You use the seen to alter the unseen. 

Let us remember this beautiful image these next couple of weeks. You are our breath. You are our refuge, but You are also our YHWH who trains us in His ways. 


(Ok, yes I admit it. I get a high from a productive streak just like I would from an adrenaline rush.) And there's some history and depth to why that is so. I've lived many years of my life hoping & praying that I had the potential in me that I thought I did. So, when You finally revealed some of what You made this mind capable of - relinquished so many of my fears and revealed some dreams - of course I get super duper excited!

Today

Thoughts from today;

sometimes monday isnt a day to accomplish any of the work, but rather to prepare myself and the resources necessary to accomplish the work for the rest of the days that week.

thoughts from today's Jesus Calling

things do feel out of control, my routines are not running smoothly & my life does not feel predictible, I dont feel so secure...

yet, You have been my help, 
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy
My soul clings to You,
Your right hand upholds me.
I'll grip Your hand tightly & open my eyes to growth opportunities
I will not bemoan the loss of my comfort 
I will accept the challenge of something new, of uncharted territory
I will say 'yes, Lord' do as You please, mold me as Your own
I will trust Your working hands on me &
I will trust Your tender & sufficient presence in all circumstance I will meet

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I was planning on going to a poetry reading... dragged myself to dinner about an hour later than planned... wasn't going to make it to the reading... thought I ought to accomplish at least one thing today, so I'll go to the library... didn't even make it to the library... was drawn in by the light of the sunset on a brick wall... took a seat on a bench, pulled out my notebook and breathed in the airwaves dapper with the songs of birds... and wrote this... 

I'm hardly awake. 

I really don't like these days, 

these physical states in which my body moves slothly, 

my mind flutters at my thoughts of activity. 

strategies predicted to awaken fail and disappoint.

submit yourself; lay limp. 

allow these ways to carry you, 

to twirl you through this day 

the great scene of productivity you seek is but a dream

yes, it too is of a highlight reel

this is your behind the scenes

forgive yourself, rest easy

hear the counsel of your free-winged friends

hear it. perceive it.

while we flutter about, 

they sing

more alive than some of us will ever be

they have known no classroom

no lecture hall no textbook

hear them sing,

and breathe 

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oh Lord, there is so much being asked of me

come Spirit, acknowledged as my confidence.

come wisdom, flowing from Truth and Life You bring.

come peace, a center a mind stayed on You.

come strength, energy, vitality, all these be wholeness Your presence brings

come Jesus, Great High Priest, understanding, You sacrificed Your whole life, that Life be breathed into these dry bones

I am but a tiny piece to the beauty that is His Kingdom -> keep me a vessel, well functioning, that the whole body be strong in harmony.

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting -- a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

wise words found around the web

We are called engage in relationships that are mutually edifying, encouraging and uplifting (1 Thessalonians 5:11). We are asked to reserve sexual intimacy for the covenant relationship through marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3). We are encouraged to see everything we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31).

A biblical friendship is one that eagerly helps one another know, serve, love, and resemble God in deeper and deeper ways. It's a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon. -Tim Keller

Here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, "I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!"
- Tim Keller

how easy it is to float thru experiences without experiencing them.

time is a precious thing that i do not own. time is not mine to use. i am merely a steward of the time i'm given. freely given time to steward, and delegate wisely. to regard respectfully with diligence.


thinking i may spend less time signed on.

notes to Johnny

march 21, 2013

hey, so i don't know if you remember me, that's ok. we used to be in musicals together. don't be creeped out. but i just felt that i had to get this off my chest. so, here goes. i have had this killer crush on you for four years or so now... really ever since i met you. i always felt comfortable with you, able to talk with you about anything. i dont know how or why but i always felt so safe with you it kind of freaked me out because i didn't know why. you brought out the little girl in me and made me feel like i was something special. it was odd, how i gravitated toward you. tad bit frustrating, at times. it was like something inside me just came alive when you walked in the room. i don't know where i'm going with this i guess there has to be a point i'm trying to make. if there is i'd guess it's this - that you are one reallly special guy. and that wherever you are and whatever you're doing... the people around you are pretty dang blessed to have the privilege of living live with you along their side. thank you for such great times. and thank you for your kindness towards me. hoping only the best for you in all your endeavors. sincerely, your high school musical backstage dancing buddy

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I have never been treated as well as the way you treat me. No one has ever responded to me in such love, kindness, gentleness, patience, wisdom, and perspective.
John David Paff, you're making me believe that the beautiful dream I have had of a biblical relationship isn't just me being a dreamer but is in glorious fact, a dream that has the capacity to become alive, having Life breathed into it, become a new life and bloom.
 
I'm not just a fantasizing dreamer who had a hope for a man that would love her Creator more than he loved her. I prayed a prayer like that a lot.. That God would bring me a man who loved Him more than he loved me. I also prayed that it would be a man who I really look up to, one who I think wise, steady, one who I respect so much I almost hesitate to first approach. B/c he makes me (makes for the most sturdy, nurturing & spurring environment) hold myself to a higher standard. I prayed for a man who I believe in, who I see has a vision, a mission that I believe in and a heart of nobility, honor, and dignity.

April 5ish

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it is very special to me that you know me well enough to recognize the significance of my writing about you and to you. because yes, you have a very special place inside me. and me writing about you doesn't just say that i am thinking about you but that you are a very part of my processing things. your presence, your influence in my life is not merely external. the fruits of this relationship are of the seen and unseen, but my favorite are of the unseen.

April 7

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Sometimes I ask myself how the heck I got this guy to like me... And the only conclusion I've repeatedly come to is that God just decided He was going to make sure I would be cared for in the best possible ways. And so He provided my path cross with a man He has been molding so precisely. He must really really love me - to make a way for me to better love Him and live a life ever pleasing to Him.. & to make a way that is so soaked in joy & loveliness for me to enjoy! He is sweet, tender & affectionate toward me.

April 7ish

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he prayed for me. for my mind to be clear and able to focus on what i needed to. and that part of my brain that felt heavy, burdened, cloudy, groggy all day was instantly lighter.

battle on, baby girl, battle on

having trouble with the whole being productive thing.. prayers that when 11:30 comes His energy will sweep away any cobwebs and kick the gears into motion..

release & refocus

This semester has been rough for me, but I have had such great people around me. In the midst of a lot of internal frustration, I have been constantly renewed, strengthened, and spurred on to keep moving forward in my faith - to live in my faith, out of my faith, through faith... I have been so spurred on to walk whatever walk I oughta walk as well as the Lord enables me. The phrase that keeps coming to mind is "Walk it well." 

So, here's some writing I wrote when I had just faced a particularly frustrating task and was upset with how I walked it... because I've walked it for years and continue to make the same mistake. As I let myself feel this frustration, all of my frustration with the difficulties of this semester were brought to the surface as well. 

All semester, I have felt frustrations and tension with the way things are. Things that are just out of my control. And this semester, for the first time probably ever (esp. on such a large scale and for such a length of time). I have not let myself pout about and live in a pity party but instead have fought to keep these eyes ever focused on the good. Any and all good that is within, a part of, will be a part of, or will be a product of the difficulties that I am walking through this semester. 

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I'm growing tired of being tired... tired of striving, tired of fighting. 
I'm comically irritated at the lack of physical progress.
I'm frustrated that this is the schedule I have to try n work with.
I am frustrated that I still have hardly any consistency, that I have no flow with ease, that I have such lacking, stunted mental energy.

& this is not a state of frustration or irritation which feeds hopelessness but rather resiliency, stubborn resolve. 
gimme a day to express, experience, filter & halter my irritation that it may become productive in strengthening my resolve and confidence that dang it You will take me through this and dang it i will not grant myself an alternative reality. I will call Your name, You will enable me to just be and feel whatever feeling I'd rather avoid, and You will make me to walk through it well. Help me walk it well. 

Lead me in focusing these eyes on You that I would not look to my energy but Yours to face these challenges, Spirit, come, how desperately I need You!!!

dang it ive been here so many times, each time of course different yet this stage i now know as one on which i either harden this heart & lend my mind to despair or strap on my gear & let my frustration fuel nothing but devout persistence.

i hate the word hate. it's nasty, vague and often unnecessary. yet i keep hearing it in this head. 'i hate this semester' 'i hate this schedule i hate this schedule i hate this schedule' 'i hate that i cant make myself do the things i want to, what i ought to' 'i hate that i cant keep any sense of flow or continuity' 'i hate this'

why can't i just adjust to a freaking schedule like everyone else?! 
why can't i make my brain work when i want it to work!?
why is my body so dang sensitive to every little thing?! 
why can't i have the energy i had last semester?
why cant i make my brain work
why have i lost 5 pounds? 
what made me lose that weight?!
why are my hormones so out of wack?! (i know weight loss, but still)
why must they be so sensitive!?
why must i feel like a crazy person, trapped in the cage that is this thing called my body this system of chemicals and electrical signals 
why can't i hold steady?
why does every little alteration in a schedule throw me off 
why cant this body let me be
why cant i get my brain to work 
why cant i wake up

I've spent time recently making a point to thank God for everything that I come to. But I also know that not allowing myself to face my feelings leads to bottled emotions and a hardened heart; all in all, a much thicker weed to pull. Thanking Him for the situation opens up (my mind to) the possibility of benefits flowing from my difficulties. 

So, thank you Lord for this thorn in my side, for making a way to keep me from pride. 

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Thank You for this schedule. Thank You for the difficulty, the challenge, and even frustration that I feel with toward this schedule. Thank You for the fatigue, which puts me in a position of even greater reliance on Your energy and power. Thank You for the challenge that is the wiring of this brain. It makes me have to especially trust You because I don't trust myself.  It shows me how much I can't be trusted, how much You can, and how much I haven't placed my trust in You. Thank You for my sensitivity, it keeps me in a never ending position of desperation for You. Thank You for the unexpected weight loss because it manifests the concept of how ever-changing and evolving I am and how sometimes I have to just roll with the punches and not let a tsunami of hormones wash me away into total dysfunction. That even in a tsunami, I can internally cling to the steadiness of the hope that is to come and to the security that is my relationship with You. For You stand perfectly sturdy through the storm. 

One of the first things I said yesterday was "I'm tired of striving"  - & what followed that thought almost stopped me in my tracks... but I didn't let it. Today, I will. The following thought said this. "Stop striving, Jesse. Stop. You needn't strive in such ways that lead you to this exhaustion. Cease striving and know that I am God. This passage recently struck me like it never had before. Cease striving. Know that I am God. Cease striving. Trying to do every little thing to make everything go the way you want it to. Know. Show that you know. show that you believe by entrusting all of your efforts and greatest wishes to me. trust that if you don't fret about that upcoming assignment and focus on your one assignment right now.. that when the time comes i will give you the mind and strength and walk you through that difficult assignment so long as you look to me.  

TO BE CONTINUED... 

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Instead of approaching the day as a blank page that you need to fill up, try living it in a responsive mode: being on the lookout for all that i am doing. I have prepared this day for you with the most tender concern and attention to detail. Your future is absolutely assured this frees you to live abundantly today. 

A Call & a "Yay God!"

 Save your best striving for seeking my face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece. 

²⁴ “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and ^[m]wealth.
²⁵ “For this reason I say to you, ^[n]do not be worried about your ^[o]life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the ^[p]air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? ²⁷ And who of you by being worried can add a single ^[q]hour to his ^[r]life? ²⁸ And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, ²⁹ yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! ³¹ Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ ³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But ^[s]seek first ^[t]His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be ^[u]added to you.
³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will ^[v]care for itself. ^[w]Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I hear a call to walk each day as it comes - for my Father know all of the things which I need...  Nature is of value. Not simply as a display of beauty or how creative my Creator is but because in genuinely observing their ways of life, I am shown what it is to trust my Creator to be my Sustainer. The birds they do not fret, they freely bounce about their daily work. Though they may seem to have such a simpler life, they've got it right! They live in continual praise of Him and are doing what He created them to do.

It's incredible...
how quickly I can go from not being able to get enough of His Words to being hesitant and almost avoiding slowing down long enough to honestly hear from Him and process what He has to say.

Being home has always had that effect on me, however, my dedication to His Word is gradually becoming more consistent. And that is a 'yay God!'