prayer of an anxious student

prayers now for a clear & collected inside as well as a mind awake, attentive and resiliently responding to distractions..

Holy Spirit You are here. here with me. here physically, intellectually, energetically... here residing in this chair with me. you see the tree in front of me, the brick wall to my right, the tower out ahead and the grey clouds rollin' in. You see the paper sprawled before me, the tabs of research on this screen. You hear each beat of the heart pounding in my chest, and You really feel the static clogging up brainwaves.

You hear my anxious thoughts. You know my anxious heart. seeking first Lord to open tis place inside to You, to do that which would please You - all these things I "must" do You will add unto this day. 

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

sometimes work is a real grind. 

kick the gears into motion man

come Spirit, come energy, resiliency, spunky, come vivacious mind, tenacious endurance, come Spirit come Life come clarity of mind 

clarity, simplicity, purity, vigor, vitality, zeal, 

rest in peaceful confidence

i have this tendency to try and plan every moment of my day so that i accomplish everything that i think ought to be accomplished right when i think it will best be accomplished. this is so false and distrusting of you. thinking i know better. 

when i do this, i do not enjoy the moments in between.. because i can plan for running into a friend, or a friend needing a helping hand or a moment for someone to listen or encourage them. i cant call those things. but You do. and You know everything that I need as well. and all that tasks that i am not doing at this exact moment are in Your care. You will not let them slip thru my fingers. So long as I am diligent in seeking first Your Kingdom, all the rest will follow.

livin' on this promise tonight and tomorrow. ahhhhh. You give me breath. real life giving breath. 
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

grounding thoughts for a busy night

here, in silence. at the bidding of no one known. 

here, i have time, i have space, i have the place to be here with You alone. 

only You know where I am, our little secret. 

though i be in no place of significance, Our aloneness is significant.

i have so much to share with You. words of friends, stories, feelings, & messages stirring in my inner parts. 

i could depart now, move my attention to tasks and responsibilities i am carrying

but those doings would be of no use if not first and foremost established in Your breath. 

Lord, I know Fajah said I'm a "productivity addict," and to that I guess there is some sense.

but tonight let this heart be driven not merely by desire for productivity, perfection, or praise but rather by desire for honoring You, my professors, my peers, and the future you have in store for me. these tasks are not for the future, but the inner workings beneath them You use to mold and move me: to make me more and more like the man of Christ. You use the seen to alter the unseen. 

Let us remember this beautiful image these next couple of weeks. You are our breath. You are our refuge, but You are also our YHWH who trains us in His ways. 


(Ok, yes I admit it. I get a high from a productive streak just like I would from an adrenaline rush.) And there's some history and depth to why that is so. I've lived many years of my life hoping & praying that I had the potential in me that I thought I did. So, when You finally revealed some of what You made this mind capable of - relinquished so many of my fears and revealed some dreams - of course I get super duper excited!

Today

Thoughts from today;

sometimes monday isnt a day to accomplish any of the work, but rather to prepare myself and the resources necessary to accomplish the work for the rest of the days that week.

thoughts from today's Jesus Calling

things do feel out of control, my routines are not running smoothly & my life does not feel predictible, I dont feel so secure...

yet, You have been my help, 
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy
My soul clings to You,
Your right hand upholds me.
I'll grip Your hand tightly & open my eyes to growth opportunities
I will not bemoan the loss of my comfort 
I will accept the challenge of something new, of uncharted territory
I will say 'yes, Lord' do as You please, mold me as Your own
I will trust Your working hands on me &
I will trust Your tender & sufficient presence in all circumstance I will meet

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I was planning on going to a poetry reading... dragged myself to dinner about an hour later than planned... wasn't going to make it to the reading... thought I ought to accomplish at least one thing today, so I'll go to the library... didn't even make it to the library... was drawn in by the light of the sunset on a brick wall... took a seat on a bench, pulled out my notebook and breathed in the airwaves dapper with the songs of birds... and wrote this... 

I'm hardly awake. 

I really don't like these days, 

these physical states in which my body moves slothly, 

my mind flutters at my thoughts of activity. 

strategies predicted to awaken fail and disappoint.

submit yourself; lay limp. 

allow these ways to carry you, 

to twirl you through this day 

the great scene of productivity you seek is but a dream

yes, it too is of a highlight reel

this is your behind the scenes

forgive yourself, rest easy

hear the counsel of your free-winged friends

hear it. perceive it.

while we flutter about, 

they sing

more alive than some of us will ever be

they have known no classroom

no lecture hall no textbook

hear them sing,

and breathe 

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oh Lord, there is so much being asked of me

come Spirit, acknowledged as my confidence.

come wisdom, flowing from Truth and Life You bring.

come peace, a center a mind stayed on You.

come strength, energy, vitality, all these be wholeness Your presence brings

come Jesus, Great High Priest, understanding, You sacrificed Your whole life, that Life be breathed into these dry bones

I am but a tiny piece to the beauty that is His Kingdom -> keep me a vessel, well functioning, that the whole body be strong in harmony.

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting -- a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

wise words found around the web

We are called engage in relationships that are mutually edifying, encouraging and uplifting (1 Thessalonians 5:11). We are asked to reserve sexual intimacy for the covenant relationship through marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3). We are encouraged to see everything we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31).

A biblical friendship is one that eagerly helps one another know, serve, love, and resemble God in deeper and deeper ways. It's a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon. -Tim Keller

Here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, "I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!"
- Tim Keller

how easy it is to float thru experiences without experiencing them.

time is a precious thing that i do not own. time is not mine to use. i am merely a steward of the time i'm given. freely given time to steward, and delegate wisely. to regard respectfully with diligence.


thinking i may spend less time signed on.

notes to Johnny

march 21, 2013

hey, so i don't know if you remember me, that's ok. we used to be in musicals together. don't be creeped out. but i just felt that i had to get this off my chest. so, here goes. i have had this killer crush on you for four years or so now... really ever since i met you. i always felt comfortable with you, able to talk with you about anything. i dont know how or why but i always felt so safe with you it kind of freaked me out because i didn't know why. you brought out the little girl in me and made me feel like i was something special. it was odd, how i gravitated toward you. tad bit frustrating, at times. it was like something inside me just came alive when you walked in the room. i don't know where i'm going with this i guess there has to be a point i'm trying to make. if there is i'd guess it's this - that you are one reallly special guy. and that wherever you are and whatever you're doing... the people around you are pretty dang blessed to have the privilege of living live with you along their side. thank you for such great times. and thank you for your kindness towards me. hoping only the best for you in all your endeavors. sincerely, your high school musical backstage dancing buddy

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I have never been treated as well as the way you treat me. No one has ever responded to me in such love, kindness, gentleness, patience, wisdom, and perspective.
John David Paff, you're making me believe that the beautiful dream I have had of a biblical relationship isn't just me being a dreamer but is in glorious fact, a dream that has the capacity to become alive, having Life breathed into it, become a new life and bloom.
 
I'm not just a fantasizing dreamer who had a hope for a man that would love her Creator more than he loved her. I prayed a prayer like that a lot.. That God would bring me a man who loved Him more than he loved me. I also prayed that it would be a man who I really look up to, one who I think wise, steady, one who I respect so much I almost hesitate to first approach. B/c he makes me (makes for the most sturdy, nurturing & spurring environment) hold myself to a higher standard. I prayed for a man who I believe in, who I see has a vision, a mission that I believe in and a heart of nobility, honor, and dignity.

April 5ish

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it is very special to me that you know me well enough to recognize the significance of my writing about you and to you. because yes, you have a very special place inside me. and me writing about you doesn't just say that i am thinking about you but that you are a very part of my processing things. your presence, your influence in my life is not merely external. the fruits of this relationship are of the seen and unseen, but my favorite are of the unseen.

April 7

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Sometimes I ask myself how the heck I got this guy to like me... And the only conclusion I've repeatedly come to is that God just decided He was going to make sure I would be cared for in the best possible ways. And so He provided my path cross with a man He has been molding so precisely. He must really really love me - to make a way for me to better love Him and live a life ever pleasing to Him.. & to make a way that is so soaked in joy & loveliness for me to enjoy! He is sweet, tender & affectionate toward me.

April 7ish

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he prayed for me. for my mind to be clear and able to focus on what i needed to. and that part of my brain that felt heavy, burdened, cloudy, groggy all day was instantly lighter.