i forget how terribly i need to create. create sentences from thoughts. poems from emotions. movement from sensation. create moments. of laughter of questions of seeking of following curiosity of doing the very last thing i would do...
the very last thing i would do right now... go eat a bowl of cereal, call mamaw, chat with mckenna, charge my computer, organize my closet for a few minutes, print my homework, ask evan how he's studying for 220, pull out my Bible and write 1 Thes 4 out to memorize it, lay on the floor visualizing how i will proceed/how the rest of the night will go...
huh, that's a practice i haven't done much of at all lately. positive visualization, imagining and running through real life situations (upcoming) in my head and imagine them going as positive as possible or at least how i may walk through them in a positive manner.
when i allow myself to stay in my head, or even in one subject for too long, i seem to let go of whatever that thing is that typically fuels my interest, ambition, curiosity, energy, mental sunshine... it's like a part of me dies, or at leasts slips into a coma, it's like if i squint my eyes i can faintly see it trapped behind a sheet of dark slate
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Luke 16:10 Aspire great things? Be faithful to excel in the small things.
16:10 “The one who is faithful in a very little 34 is also faithful in much, and the one who isdishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.
34 sn The point of the statement faithful in a very little is that character is shown in how little things are treated.
"faithful" (3982)
1) trusty, faithful 1a) of persons who show themselves faithful in the transaction of business, the execution of commands, or the discharge of official duties 1b) one who kept his plighted faith, worthy of trust 1c) that can be relied on 2) easily persuaded 2a) believing, confiding, trusting 2b) in the NT one who trusts in God's promises 2b1) one who is convinced that Jesus has been raised from the dead 2b2) one who has become convinced that Jesus is the Messiah and author of salvation
"dishonest" (1 as a negative particle and 1349)
1) descriptive of one who violates or has violated justice 1a) unjust 1b) unrighteous, sinful 1c) of one who deals fraudulently with others, deceitful
from 1 (as a negative particle) and 1349; unjust; by extension wicked; by implication, treacherous; specially, heathen:-unjust, unrighteous. see GREEK for 1 see GREEK for 1349
16:11 If then you haven’t beentrustworthy 35 in handling worldly wealth, 36 who will entrust you with the true riches? 37 16:12 And if you haven’t been trustworthy 38 with someone else’s property, 39 who will give you your own 40 ? 16:13 No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate 41 the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise 42 the other. You cannot serve God and money.” 43
Monday, September 30, 2013
monday: day of processing, and projecting plans
so many matters we spoke about this weekend...
- habits to keep up
- practices to make sure we set in place
- receiving my father's blessing
- trusting you to handle all timing, set up and wonderfulness of proposal (basically facing the fact that i am not all-knowing, and that is a very good thing)
- Huntington barn
- seeing sin as the monster/puke (proverbs 26:11) that it is
- where we each are (esp. emotionally) w/ the season (roller coaster; from 'YAY!' to 'ah holy crap!')
- ought to finish up 101 Qs
- actively (keep) claiming promises of God
- advice from Mama Paff: when marry, make him a list of what I want on which holidays (i.e. calla lily on valentines day, note on mother's day, post-its around the house w/ cute remarks/memories or flowers and sweet note sent to me at work or left on table for anniversary, etc.)
I need to know, I won't be entirely giving up my pursuit as a student, b/c I love it - I need to know, there is a great alternative for me to look forward to.
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Note to You
As you are so great at pulling me back into the moment, please do, pull me back into this place where I am currently residing. Ball State, sophomore year, involved in House Church, spending development time with various people (Alison, Brittanie, McKenna, Megan, Ciara, Shannon, Lisa and Ryan)... ask me about things of the week, as I'll sure seek to learn about yours.
I want us both to enjoy this time with all its richness... that surely includes us walking with the people we currently live with, sharing our journey with them and allowing our current circumstances to be a part of our individual journeys.
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Realizations for Future Benefit
- some flexibility w/i structure
-> allowing myself to roll out of bed late, b/c I have worked out when in my schedule I can make up for that time, allowing myself to go by the feel of things to some extent such as whether or not I stop for coffee before I go to my place of study or whether I can stay and chat for a bit before I move on
- need Sunday (or Monday) to be for reflection, reseat, and layout of the week ahead of me (what must be done, what I'd like to do, how my schedule needs adjusted to make that happen, schedule lunch dates for the week, etc.)
- time outdoors = necessity, healthy, sets me up for better, calmer, more cheerful and productive day (and mind)
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This Week
- logistical steps to ease internal and relational tension
- keep clearing off that which may weigh me down
1. compile 2 potential programs of study and email them to Papa Paff
2. find Huntington wedding barn, ask him to set up a visit for us
3. share what you're processing and pray for each other, with each other
4. finish up 101 Q's
Sunday, September 29, 2013
concluding thoughts as i lay to rest
My Dear,
Can you believe how far we've come! What a journey we are on. And i know we have quite the journey ahead of us, but I am only becoming more sure of our love. All this thanks to His great love. Oh how He washes over us. How He sets Himself the wind to our sails. He says love conquers all. Though I know little of this mighty love, I am certain that in learning to love you every day, He will teach me of this great love. I am sure learning to walk with you each day will lead me further in toward ongoing communion with Him. -- and what better is there in life than experiencing the Living God on a daily basis?
Though gravity, weight, and breadth of unknowns may frighten me - none will compare to the depth, width, length, breadth, or vastness of the Great Love I am sure to further experience.
Lord, I am certain, if nothing else, You will have Your way with my heart. Your way will be edifying, sanctifying, glorifying to Your Name. And besides that, I am to walk on, eyes on You, my Great High Priest, Lover of my soul. be near. my soul clings to You, Your right hand upholds me.
Can you believe how far we've come! What a journey we are on. And i know we have quite the journey ahead of us, but I am only becoming more sure of our love. All this thanks to His great love. Oh how He washes over us. How He sets Himself the wind to our sails. He says love conquers all. Though I know little of this mighty love, I am certain that in learning to love you every day, He will teach me of this great love. I am sure learning to walk with you each day will lead me further in toward ongoing communion with Him. -- and what better is there in life than experiencing the Living God on a daily basis?
Though gravity, weight, and breadth of unknowns may frighten me - none will compare to the depth, width, length, breadth, or vastness of the Great Love I am sure to further experience.
Lord, I am certain, if nothing else, You will have Your way with my heart. Your way will be edifying, sanctifying, glorifying to Your Name. And besides that, I am to walk on, eyes on You, my Great High Priest, Lover of my soul. be near. my soul clings to You, Your right hand upholds me.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
weekend blessings..
had a few really sweet moments this past weekend.
sitting at Starbucks, we were studying and an older married couple joined us at the table. they struck up a conversation and we explained how I went to BSU, he was just here to see me. they asked how long we had been together and they seemed so happy for us. they gave us a couple tidbits of advice, 1. never stop holding hands 2. communication is key. funny thing, John David and I had just been talking about how so many couples give the advice to keep holding hands and making that physical connection. so that was a neat triple affirmation. then, when we went to leave, the husband slid a gift card envelope across the table and said, "just put it in a pocket, and only use it when you're together." then something along the lines of 'we wish you only the best. keep up the good work'
later that night, we were walking to the Village and an old lady asked for help from her car. she needed help turning her lights on. so we went over and figured out how to turn her lights on for her. she was very grateful.
then, we walked around, dance outside the Be Here Now fence, then walked back to campus, played music on our phones and danced around the sidewalk.
Sunday, we went to the Revo, then we spent the rest of our day with Cameron and Kristina. they really seemed to have a great time, as did we. i was so glad to have finally connected with them and was so happy to just hang out with them and do something fun all together.
sitting at Starbucks, we were studying and an older married couple joined us at the table. they struck up a conversation and we explained how I went to BSU, he was just here to see me. they asked how long we had been together and they seemed so happy for us. they gave us a couple tidbits of advice, 1. never stop holding hands 2. communication is key. funny thing, John David and I had just been talking about how so many couples give the advice to keep holding hands and making that physical connection. so that was a neat triple affirmation. then, when we went to leave, the husband slid a gift card envelope across the table and said, "just put it in a pocket, and only use it when you're together." then something along the lines of 'we wish you only the best. keep up the good work'
later that night, we were walking to the Village and an old lady asked for help from her car. she needed help turning her lights on. so we went over and figured out how to turn her lights on for her. she was very grateful.
then, we walked around, dance outside the Be Here Now fence, then walked back to campus, played music on our phones and danced around the sidewalk.
Sunday, we went to the Revo, then we spent the rest of our day with Cameron and Kristina. they really seemed to have a great time, as did we. i was so glad to have finally connected with them and was so happy to just hang out with them and do something fun all together.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Real Life Thoughts of Wednesday.
I had many thoughts swirling about my mind, here is a raw (and really rough) display of me laying out the thoughts I was trying to make sense of...
Now, please realize that I do not claim any of these ideas or understandings to be right, logical or biblical. In all honesty, I recognize some of the thoughts to be in desperate need of Truth... that's part of why I wrote them out. I wanted to discover what it is I was really thinking, to then target what Truth I need to dive into in order to take those thoughts captive to Christ. Also, some are thoughts on how the Body is to be lived out in a community - that is another area that I am continuing to seek His ways through prayer and Scripture.
So there. Here's me, real vulnerable. Please be gentle with me.
'Cause, oh! to Grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
Jesus went from people to people. He had His twelve. Then He went from group to group using His gifts to build up the Body.
is there something inherently wrong with my tendency of investing and building up, collecting a circle or team, then building into the next group?
full time ministry isn't for everyone... YES, we are all to be disciplers as well as discipled. but does that mean we must fit into today's image of find a church, invest all your time and ministry into that one sect of the Body, and move up the chain of leadership until you are in full time ministry?
i really don't think it does. granted, i do see building into the Body around me as very important, tho i still struggle to see the "Body" to be the actual church body that is near me... is that so wrong? I see the body as this intangible, widespread, collection of vessels of the Holy Spirit, not a specific group of people that go to a certain church every week...
granted, i do see the importance of how the Body needs each body part to be using its function to build up the Body, the literal physical church so that its ministry can continue and can flourish... just as our generation needs true saints to stand up for His Name and be ambassadors in order to reveal the falseness of false teachers...
i recognize in myself the tendency to bounce around, to invest in one place for a while, then to latch on to a new place and pour in to the people there... i get around when it comes to embracing and being a part of many different groups of people... along the way i keep a few who enter my circle or at least i keep pouring into and encouraging... but besides my inner circle, people come and people grow, and people move forward...
i've discovered myself to be someone to try and ignite the potential i see in people... and there are some for whom i continually pour into and speak with and love on... then there are some that just walk right out of my days...
i don't recognize myself as an important part of the group... and they may not call me out and invite me to things because they get the vibe that i don't want to be there... them not inviting me then makes me feel as even more an outsider...
-----
so, ok. priorities.
schoolwork.
family. keeping in contact with my mom and chatting with my dad. family reunion
How has my time been spent these past few weeks?
Weekdays:
classes
schoolwork
lunch/chat time with Alison 2x week
chill/chat time with McKenna 2-5 hrs a week
10-11 AM MWF is quiet Scripture, journal, Celebration of Discipline time,
House church 7-10:30 PM
MWF lunch with Maddy, Nate, and random Revo ppl when our lunch times overlap
Weekends:
18th Revo
23-25th yearly tradition, bonfire with Cedarville friends. church at Xenia.
31-1st family reunion, then Revo.
6th-8th anniversary dinner, frisbee tournament with Cedarville friends, church at Xenia, picnic
13-15th this coming Friday is LT Reunion, Saturday with McKenna? then Sunday church and zoo with Cameron and Kristina and scheduling couples meetings.
20-22nd then the next weekend, Friday is cousin's play, then cousin's wedding,
27-29th next weekend is family weekend, seeing Ma & Pa?!
Where are my priorities?
academics
relationship with Christ
being there for the ladies around me
weekends, have been every other
- we're both trying to invest in the communities we're in
Talk with Megan................
wants to make sure i'm not focusing too much on the future and on the engagement that i neglect the process and individual growth that is still in-process...
focus on the process more: she noticed that I seem to cast a vision then run full fledge for that goal (which is absolutely characteristic of me), she wants to make sure that I take my time, walk through the process, be where I am, and am not consumed with thinking about the future.
has seen couples go thru things similar to us, granted she said they prob didn't have as strong a relationship and weren't as spiritually inclined, but she has seen them rush into marriage and then in the first few years realize they made things harder and then have a lot of pains... she said she wasn't as wary or thoughtful during their process and so basically wants to be a better friend and give perspective that she has learned...
it's about weighing the options, which better sets you up for success. (when i told her of our two possibilities, marry in a year or be separated for two years, she sounded empathetic and 'ohh between a rock and a hard place')
Megan also offered, how can she help? be thinking about that. she is the only friend that rather than just giving her two cents then hoping it goes well, she offered to step out of the kitchen, where you already have too many cooks, and to help you however you need help.
Now, please realize that I do not claim any of these ideas or understandings to be right, logical or biblical. In all honesty, I recognize some of the thoughts to be in desperate need of Truth... that's part of why I wrote them out. I wanted to discover what it is I was really thinking, to then target what Truth I need to dive into in order to take those thoughts captive to Christ. Also, some are thoughts on how the Body is to be lived out in a community - that is another area that I am continuing to seek His ways through prayer and Scripture.
So there. Here's me, real vulnerable. Please be gentle with me.
'Cause, oh! to Grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
is there something inherently wrong with my tendency of investing and building up, collecting a circle or team, then building into the next group?
full time ministry isn't for everyone... YES, we are all to be disciplers as well as discipled. but does that mean we must fit into today's image of find a church, invest all your time and ministry into that one sect of the Body, and move up the chain of leadership until you are in full time ministry?
i really don't think it does. granted, i do see building into the Body around me as very important, tho i still struggle to see the "Body" to be the actual church body that is near me... is that so wrong? I see the body as this intangible, widespread, collection of vessels of the Holy Spirit, not a specific group of people that go to a certain church every week...
granted, i do see the importance of how the Body needs each body part to be using its function to build up the Body, the literal physical church so that its ministry can continue and can flourish... just as our generation needs true saints to stand up for His Name and be ambassadors in order to reveal the falseness of false teachers...
i recognize in myself the tendency to bounce around, to invest in one place for a while, then to latch on to a new place and pour in to the people there... i get around when it comes to embracing and being a part of many different groups of people... along the way i keep a few who enter my circle or at least i keep pouring into and encouraging... but besides my inner circle, people come and people grow, and people move forward...
i've discovered myself to be someone to try and ignite the potential i see in people... and there are some for whom i continually pour into and speak with and love on... then there are some that just walk right out of my days...
i don't recognize myself as an important part of the group... and they may not call me out and invite me to things because they get the vibe that i don't want to be there... them not inviting me then makes me feel as even more an outsider...
-----
so, ok. priorities.
schoolwork.
family. keeping in contact with my mom and chatting with my dad. family reunion
How has my time been spent these past few weeks?
Weekdays:
classes
schoolwork
lunch/chat time with Alison 2x week
chill/chat time with McKenna 2-5 hrs a week
10-11 AM MWF is quiet Scripture, journal, Celebration of Discipline time,
House church 7-10:30 PM
MWF lunch with Maddy, Nate, and random Revo ppl when our lunch times overlap
Weekends:
18th Revo
23-25th yearly tradition, bonfire with Cedarville friends. church at Xenia.
31-1st family reunion, then Revo.
6th-8th anniversary dinner, frisbee tournament with Cedarville friends, church at Xenia, picnic
13-15th this coming Friday is LT Reunion, Saturday with McKenna? then Sunday church and zoo with Cameron and Kristina and scheduling couples meetings.
20-22nd then the next weekend, Friday is cousin's play, then cousin's wedding,
27-29th next weekend is family weekend, seeing Ma & Pa?!
Where are my priorities?
academics
relationship with Christ
being there for the ladies around me
weekends, have been every other
- we're both trying to invest in the communities we're in
Talk with Megan................
wants to make sure i'm not focusing too much on the future and on the engagement that i neglect the process and individual growth that is still in-process...
focus on the process more: she noticed that I seem to cast a vision then run full fledge for that goal (which is absolutely characteristic of me), she wants to make sure that I take my time, walk through the process, be where I am, and am not consumed with thinking about the future.
has seen couples go thru things similar to us, granted she said they prob didn't have as strong a relationship and weren't as spiritually inclined, but she has seen them rush into marriage and then in the first few years realize they made things harder and then have a lot of pains... she said she wasn't as wary or thoughtful during their process and so basically wants to be a better friend and give perspective that she has learned...
it's about weighing the options, which better sets you up for success. (when i told her of our two possibilities, marry in a year or be separated for two years, she sounded empathetic and 'ohh between a rock and a hard place')
Megan also offered, how can she help? be thinking about that. she is the only friend that rather than just giving her two cents then hoping it goes well, she offered to step out of the kitchen, where you already have too many cooks, and to help you however you need help.
Monday, September 9, 2013
A Note to My Love on Our Anniversary
Happy Anniversary, my dearest friend and love of my life.
I have adored seeing how we each flourish as our love blossoms. I have always counted you a good friend, a wise counsel and a pleasure to be around. I have admired you for the respectful way you carry yourself and for the kindness with which you speak to others.
Now, I am privileged to experience a place of intimacy with you. A place where our worlds don't merely collide but rather collaborate and build each other up.
I'm not sure we realized how special a gift we'd been given. The uniqueness of this gift requires we guard the gift from any scheme of the enemy. For anything a force for our Good King is a threat to him, and a new target for his destructive ways.
Hallelujah our God is the King of writing redemption stories! And hallelujah! He calls us His chosen ones. He will lead us on, my love. He will led us Home. Take courage, He is leading us Home.
I have adored seeing how we each flourish as our love blossoms. I have always counted you a good friend, a wise counsel and a pleasure to be around. I have admired you for the respectful way you carry yourself and for the kindness with which you speak to others.
Now, I am privileged to experience a place of intimacy with you. A place where our worlds don't merely collide but rather collaborate and build each other up.
I'm not sure we realized how special a gift we'd been given. The uniqueness of this gift requires we guard the gift from any scheme of the enemy. For anything a force for our Good King is a threat to him, and a new target for his destructive ways.
Hallelujah our God is the King of writing redemption stories! And hallelujah! He calls us His chosen ones. He will lead us on, my love. He will led us Home. Take courage, He is leading us Home.
Journey on.
...to be continued.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
exactly what i needed..
"Doing countless unnecessary activities will dissipate your energy.
When you spend time with Me, I restore your sense of direction. As you look to Me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomplish more." -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
"Commit your works to the Lord, And your thoughts will be established." -Proverbs 16:3 NKJV
"Doing countless unnecessary activities will dissipate your energy.
When you spend time with Me, I restore your sense of direction. As you look to Me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomplish more." -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
"Commit your works to the Lord, And your thoughts will be established." -Proverbs 16:3 NKJV
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