Sunday, 16 June, 2013

i'm really not liking this whole being away from him thing.
phone calls, skype dates, texts, photos. it's just not the same.
i'm so desperately longing to be in his arms tonight. and not because he can fix anything.
he cant fix any of my battles for me.
but he gives me a moment of relief, a moment in which i can breath.
another heart that knows me earnestly going to God with me and physically guarding me...
to help absorb the excess of wired currency that just wont leave me be.
i feel so exhausted, so wilted, so unlovely.

i trust and am confident that You are stretching, growing, sanctifying me (and him) thru this experience.

Monday, 17 June, 2013

i guess i never realized how on my own i was until you came, cared for me and helped carry my burdens
i never realized the weight of my own insecurities or emotional needs

i'm really not liking this whole doing life without you thing, right now. it's just not going well for me. and i know it's only the first week, and it's all for the sake of growth, and in the long run good, but i just... so many things..

i want to tell you to never leave me ever again. to never let us have to do life without each other for so long. and it's not just normal life but taking on such a challenging, whirlwind of an adventure...

i'm so disoriented, i feel weak, beat down, exhausted, blank in the head, scattered,

i just want to be held by you. that's all i want. because i know in that comes the breath only He can give.. and not because you give it but because He created that space between your arms to be a place I can safely relax and come to Him - although i can come to Him on my own, He created a safe place where He taught another to watch guard for me, even guard me from myself.. and even more He created a place where two is always stronger than one, and together the two are each stronger even as they go off one by one.  it's a place where i can experience how another fights with me on my behalf... it's a place where i get to see Christ in the flesh like i haven't experienced Him anywhere else.. it's not just a man's arms that I'm in, but a man that God has called His own, and a man who has subjected himself to God, I'm in a place that i have no doubt God Himself designed to be a place of intimate harmony with God and man. I'm in arms that are flesh and Christ in the flesh.. if that makes sense without sounding like i'm making much of the human, cause that's not what i'm trying to get at. i'm trying to convey how i see it as a place where i am enveloped in God's provisional care. that every little piece of security and blessing is directly flowing from Him, His Goodness, His Love.

>>>
when reading take into account the many factors that make up how i am currently feeling... groggy headed, new environment, exhausted, disoriented, nonstop challenged, never alone, sinus pressure, itchy, trying to release pride (feeling embarrassed, inadequate, childish, beat down) about failing the chef's exam, possibly the most dramatic week of emotional PMSing I've ever experienced, feel like i am about to shatter at any moment, feel incapable, inadequate at things that seem so simple for the people around me, clearly being attacked by the enemy, wanting to be held like the little girl i feel i am inside, while greatly missing my man and best friend, and feeling homesick for him when i'm not one to feel homesick, moods swinging from apathetic to snippy to furious to a lost 2 yr old to bawling to sentimental to forward looking to reflective to defeated to determined to i think you get the point,

BUT, greater than my feelings.. i want to believe my God in all the ways He made me to... i want to know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. 

these are the things i want to learn this summer.. this was the prayer that i deeply, earnestly sought when meeting with God the first day of LT. 

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