going off of the voicemail i left you... today, people were telling me that i looked especially pretty. and i became aware of this odd phenomena that went on within me each time someone said that... it was as if you were there with me, in me, in spirit i guess.. like i was a flower that had been so attentively nurtured and was getting to hear the praise that you have always been telling me, and i in part know i can accredit the loveliness they see to the love you lavish on me.

i guess.. our relationship so often seems too good to be true to me, and i dont see how God could ever let me actually have you for the rest of my life or even for the next few years,  i dont like having you but not getting to be there and enjoy God's gift.. i guess sometimes I'm scared that i want it so much that it's going to be taken away, cause He never had to give me such an amazing gift in the first place, but i dont want to ever have to live without you.

Sunday, 16 June, 2013

i'm really not liking this whole being away from him thing.
phone calls, skype dates, texts, photos. it's just not the same.
i'm so desperately longing to be in his arms tonight. and not because he can fix anything.
he cant fix any of my battles for me.
but he gives me a moment of relief, a moment in which i can breath.
another heart that knows me earnestly going to God with me and physically guarding me...
to help absorb the excess of wired currency that just wont leave me be.
i feel so exhausted, so wilted, so unlovely.

i trust and am confident that You are stretching, growing, sanctifying me (and him) thru this experience.

Monday, 17 June, 2013

i guess i never realized how on my own i was until you came, cared for me and helped carry my burdens
i never realized the weight of my own insecurities or emotional needs

i'm really not liking this whole doing life without you thing, right now. it's just not going well for me. and i know it's only the first week, and it's all for the sake of growth, and in the long run good, but i just... so many things..

i want to tell you to never leave me ever again. to never let us have to do life without each other for so long. and it's not just normal life but taking on such a challenging, whirlwind of an adventure...

i'm so disoriented, i feel weak, beat down, exhausted, blank in the head, scattered,

i just want to be held by you. that's all i want. because i know in that comes the breath only He can give.. and not because you give it but because He created that space between your arms to be a place I can safely relax and come to Him - although i can come to Him on my own, He created a safe place where He taught another to watch guard for me, even guard me from myself.. and even more He created a place where two is always stronger than one, and together the two are each stronger even as they go off one by one.  it's a place where i can experience how another fights with me on my behalf... it's a place where i get to see Christ in the flesh like i haven't experienced Him anywhere else.. it's not just a man's arms that I'm in, but a man that God has called His own, and a man who has subjected himself to God, I'm in a place that i have no doubt God Himself designed to be a place of intimate harmony with God and man. I'm in arms that are flesh and Christ in the flesh.. if that makes sense without sounding like i'm making much of the human, cause that's not what i'm trying to get at. i'm trying to convey how i see it as a place where i am enveloped in God's provisional care. that every little piece of security and blessing is directly flowing from Him, His Goodness, His Love.

>>>
when reading take into account the many factors that make up how i am currently feeling... groggy headed, new environment, exhausted, disoriented, nonstop challenged, never alone, sinus pressure, itchy, trying to release pride (feeling embarrassed, inadequate, childish, beat down) about failing the chef's exam, possibly the most dramatic week of emotional PMSing I've ever experienced, feel like i am about to shatter at any moment, feel incapable, inadequate at things that seem so simple for the people around me, clearly being attacked by the enemy, wanting to be held like the little girl i feel i am inside, while greatly missing my man and best friend, and feeling homesick for him when i'm not one to feel homesick, moods swinging from apathetic to snippy to furious to a lost 2 yr old to bawling to sentimental to forward looking to reflective to defeated to determined to i think you get the point,

BUT, greater than my feelings.. i want to believe my God in all the ways He made me to... i want to know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. 

these are the things i want to learn this summer.. this was the prayer that i deeply, earnestly sought when meeting with God the first day of LT. 

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i realized... i have it in me, a drive, a curiosity, a passion, an itch for adventures, for new experiences, new places, new people.. as if i was made for these very things. .... yet as i go off on a new adventure, a voice rises within and speaks of only fear, doubts, my incompetence, and how i am not qualified, cut out or capable for such adventures, for fulfiling my responsibilities,

this is the voice of my enemy, and until this morning, i was counting his words legitimate. his words are not of truth, not of reason, not of life. he seeks to run me into the ground, bury me in such anxieties and darkness that i never see the light again.

words that come from him, are of no value to me, the do not speak of what is true, of reality, they speak of a false reality he aims to create in my mind, thing is though.. he already lost, as long as i remember the truth that he already lost, he has no power over my mind he is powerless in the midst of my Savior's truth, the reality that my Savior created when He redeemed me His vessel

I'm not one to feel homesick. But tonight, I'm feeling homesick for him. He is my home. With him, I'm the closest to Home I'll ever be here on earth. As long as I'm with him, I know I'll be further along the journey Home than I was the day before.

im finding... in this part of my cycle (last week before period), that i am wanting more babying attention, nurturing, people seeking me out/caring for me, i want to be lead, protected and i want the one leading me to let me just follow... i am not as outgoing, i am prone to apathy, fatigue, irritability, rapid mood swings... then - because i know my actions are not the normal me and because i often feel guilty, falling short, needy, unhelpful, snappy, annoyed, lethargic, - i find myself trying to explain/make excuses for my acting in such ways...

a birthday note to my beau

The worst and best of gifts, I'll be leaving on your birthday. Worst being the "on your birthday" part... the best being all that comes after my "leaving."

While I wish I had one more day here to celebrate with you, I also trust in the good that is to come for us, both as individuals and as a couple. So, maybe the "on your birthday" isn't the worst... it's a gift that will keep on giving. Through adventures and challenges, we'll grow. Each with Him, in ourselves, and together (not to mention with the people around us).

I know the time will pass by quickly, but I want to take hold of each moment. To see each week as boiling with opportunities. Simple, mundane, everyday things that suddenly become powerful when we are empowered by His presence. Just in sharing everyday life with you I have grown to be more aware of these moments, these opportunities to bless another. Thank you for handling relationships so diligently and thoughtfully. I think that's one of those top traits for which I respect you, yeah that is one of the first things that comes to mind if I had to describe you.  

I feel so privileged to have you near in my life. And not just because you absolutely spoil me with affections, which you do.. Or because of how you make me feel like I'm the most precious and beautiful creature you've ever laid eyes on, which you also do. But even more, because of how tightly you hold fast to His Words, and seek His guidance and wisdom in each and every endeavor that makes up your life. I count myself truly privileged to share journeys with such a respectable young man.

As you said, it's going to be a grreat summer. It's mind boggling to think He already knows every thought, situation, fear, hope, insecurity, expectation, and challenge we'll face in the next two months.. but it may be my greatest comfort. Thank you for reminding me of these things the other day. And thank you for reminding me that He has a much greater adventure in store for me, for us both, than I could ever try to think up or venture myself.

All this to in some way say, happy birthday my dearest. May it be a celebration of the life He has made for you and is making in you. And may it be just some outright celebration! (; He has, is and will continue to use you in magnificent ways - all shinning light on who He is, and many of which you will never even know about. So rest in Him this weekend. Oh! And enjoy the company of those you love who are coming to see you!

Love, Jesse Rachelle

the send off!

Tomorrow morning, around 6 AM, I will be on the road again! But this time is different. I won't be traveling for a couple of hours to explore and return before the work week. No sir. This time, I won't be stopping 'til I hit the east coast. Virginia Beach. And once I'm there, I'll call it my home base for the summer. 

As departure day came closer, I began to notice this... feeling.. I had. Not quite sad, not quite bubbly, not quite easy to describe. 

Following are some of my thoughts as I sat to write through what I was experiencing that I may acknowledge it for whatever it is. 

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 Thursday, 6 June 2013

I am not terribly saddened by leaving. Nor am I bitter toward the separation to come. I am simply recognizing and grieving the close of what has been a wonderful month. A wonderful time of adventures, laughter, visits, friendship, road trips, childish fun, future talk, preparation and relaxation. Lord, You have built me up, warmed my heart and overjoyed me with a lavishing love beyond my capacity to grasp. You have surrounded me with a cloud of supportive voices and reaffirmed the growth that is to come. I am more and more convinced of Your detailed handle on my life each day it seems. Thank You.

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Friday, 7 June 2013

i can hardly explain to you how wonderful you have been to me. how meaningful this past month has been to me. and how dearly i'll hold it in my heart. ..not the actual month, the dates, or detailed memories... but the concepts, ideas, emotions, affirmations, challenges, lessons, promises, claims, and prayers...

prayers of thanksgiving, and honest conversation with the Author and Perfecter of our story and our Great High Priest who understands our every thought and situation.

prayers of endurance, breath, strength, wisdom, and guidance. prayers of crying out on another's behalf. prayers of pain we have felt for another. prayers of surrender, surrendering burdens that our not ours to carry and lives that are truly only bestowed to us as stewards.

i want to learn what it is to be ever gazing upon the face of this Good I call Jesus. I want to know what that name means, Jesus. i want to learn more of what it is He did.. that i may see and know what it is He does, is doing, and will do. I want to know who He is that I may see and know Him in moments unfolding... see Him as each moment unfolds that His Spirit with me may remind me of what He has done and how that alters the current and upcoming moment. 

Some of the secret joys of living are not found by rushing from point A to point B, but by inventing some imaginary letters along the way. - Douglas Pagels

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." -Proverbs 16:24